Observations
by JustLikePagliacciDid
Summary: Yes, it has a coherent plot. It's in there. No, I'm not lying. Read it again. You'll find it. WARNING: May cause autoerotic asphyxiation.
1. Observations

**Observations**

As the two walked along the desolate shore, the ruins of Tokyo-3 in the distance, Shinji was lost deep in thought. He was considering something that had struck him just this morning.

"Asuka?"

"What, idiot?"

"How do we know that this isn't part of instrumentality?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, how can we know what's a delusion and what isn't? This entire world could be a creation of my mind, or yours."

There was a silence.

"I never thought about that…"

They both mulled over the question for a few hours, before they mutually agreed never to raise the topic again.


	2. Bottles of Beer

**Beer**

Two voices rang out over the half-flooded city. They had been singing for some time, and were finally approaching the finish.

"Two bottles of beer on the wall,

Two bottles of beer,

Take one down,

Pass it around,

One bottle of beer on the wall!"

"One bottle of beer on the wall,

One bottle of beer,

Take one down,

Pass it around,

No more bottles of beer on the wall!"

The two voices cheered, despite the fact no one was there to listen.

"We may be the only two people to have ever finished that song," said Asuka, cheerfully.

And they were.


	3. Identity Crisis

**Identity Crisis**

Shinji and Asuka were walking away from Tokyo-3. It was apparent that no one was left there, so they decided to salvage what they could and set out for the nearest city.

Now, they had been walking for several miles when Asuka finally spoke.

"I'm tired," she said, and climbed over to the half collapsed ruins of a convenience store. Shinji sighed and followed, hefting the overstuffed backpack with difficulty. Somehow, he always ended up with the heavy pack.

Asuka discovered that the door was sealed off, so she climbed up and around to a hole in the ceiling. A look of horror crossed her face.

"Wondergirl!" she said, shocked. Interest piqued, Shinji climbed and looked in. Rei was sitting their, curled into a ball, rocking back and forth. An empty can of spraypaint was lying next to her, its purpose apparent. She had emblazoned the words 'Who am I?' over every surface; the old counter, the shelves, the old glass-windowed refrigerators. She had even written the phrase upon her clothes, the same schoolgirl's uniform they always saw her in.

Looking up, Rei whispered, "Who am I?"

**A/N:** Wait a minute, where is the humor? Where has the funny gone?

OH NO I'VE KILLED THE FUNNY


	4. Pi

**Pi**

Seeing as they found her, Asuka and Shinji ended up dragging the First Child with them across half of Japan. Shinji explained to Rei her name and status, only to be met with incomprehension and confusion.

"She's so confused, I'm almost sorry for her," Asuka had said, sarcastic per usual.

Now walking along a deserted stretch of highway, looking for some sort of diversion, Asuka suddenly spoke.

"Who knows the most digits of Pi?" she asked, suddenly.

"3.1415926535," said Shinji, eagerly.

"3.1415926535897932384626433832," said Asuka, triumphant. For a few moments, they walked in silence.

"3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679…" Rei trailed off, reciting the number.


	5. Intrumentality, Rei

**Instrumentality, Rei**

Rei was sitting away from Shinji and Asuka, who were fast asleep. She often stayed up late, forever asking herself: who am I? Of course, this was a futile pursuit.

Sitting with her arms wrapped around her knees, a strange idea came to Rei. Leaning forward, she wrote a short dialogue in the sand.

Who am I?

I am Rei.

Who is Rei?

Me.

She sat back, considering this latest development. A memory suddenly returned to her. _I rejected Instrumentality._ The memories of the fantasy world, the delusions of her questionable mind, flooded back.

In Rei's Instrumentality, Asuka was impaled by the Lance of Longinus, suspended against a wall, as Rei forever wrapped her arms around Shinji.

_That is the world I wished for?_

_Yes._

**A/N: **Ok, so maybe this one is just a _tad_ questionable.


	6. Questions

**Questions**

Shinji, Asuka, and Rei were sitting below a barren tree, the ruins of Tokyo-2 lying below them. The world after Third Impact was little more than an exercise in desolation. Staring at the ruined town, an odd question suddenly popped into Asuka's head.

As they climbed through the rubble, hoping, praying, to find another who rejected Instrumentality, the question continued to nag at the back of her mind. As they stood over the ruins of an old apartment complex, Asuka finally decided to ask it.

"Wondergirl!"

"Yes?"

"Does the carpet match the drapes?"

There was a brief silence, perhaps as Rei considered whether or not to answer, perhaps considering what the question meant.

"Yes."


	7. Waking Worlds

**Waking World**

Rei, Asuka, and Shinji were waiting within an overturned bus, for the storm to pass. Storms had suddenly become frequent, forcing them to delay their wanderings for days at a time. Thankfully, only the front windshield of the bus had caved in, leaving the rest of the windows intact to provide decent shelter.

Staring out the window, it was Rei who first noticed the stranger. "Someone approaches." Her two comrades looked eagerly out at him. He was tall and cloaked, his head bowed low. He drew closer until he arrived at the bus and looked in. Then, he threw back his hood.

"Father!" gasped Shinji.

"Gendo?" gasped Asuka

"Commander Ikari," Rei said, simply.

Gendo looked enraged. "Shinji… you are a bastard of the first order. Oh sure, go reject Instrumentality, which I spent _years_ setting up, but dragging me out while you're at it crosses the line. I was happy in my world. Just to spite you, I'll have you know this: _Yui isn't your mother!_ Haha, I bet you feel like an idiot now! Do you want to know who your real mother is? Let me give you a clue: she killed herself after throttling someone. Still clueless? Alright, then this should clear it up: Ritsuko Ikagi is your half-sister! Ha! Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Gendo!"

As he stumped off into the storm, he left a shocked Asuka and a horrified Shinji. Rei, as always, looked neutral.

"If it's any comfort," said Asuka, slowly, "You do _look_ a lot like Yui."

Shinji woke with a start. Asuka had just kicked him into wakefulness. "Get up, idiot, the storm's gone."

As they cleared out and Asuka led the march to the next town, Rei walked next to Shinji. "You look distraught," she said.

"It's nothing," said Shinji. "I just had a horrific, mind-bending nightmare about Gendo."


	8. Bottles of Beer II

**Bottles of Beer II**

In an attempt to break their previous record, Shinji and Asuka were singing '19,999 Bottles of Beer'.

"19,999 Bottles of Beer on the wall,

19,999 Bottles of Beer,

Take one down, pass it around,

19,998 Bottles of beer on the wall."

Rei was walking a distance behind, trying to figure out her identity. The song was highly distracting as it went on and on

"11,549 Bottles of Beer on the wall,

11,549 Bottles of Beer,

Take one down, pass it around,

11,548 Bottles of beer on the wall."

Forty-five minutes later, the song was still being sung.

"5234 Bottles of Beer on the wall,

5234 Bottles of Beer,

Take one down, pass it around,

5234 Bottles of Beer on the wall."

Rei gritted her teeth. Hours passed, with no sign of stopping.

"43 Bottles of Beer on the wall,

43 Bottles of Beer,

Take one down, pass it around,

42 Bottles of beer on the wall."

It was too much. Rei rushed ahead, jumping between them.

"If you continue that song," she said, twitching, "I will kill you both in your sleep with a curling iron!" There was a brief silence.

"Look!" said Asuka, nervously, "The town's just ahead!"

**A/N:** The moral of that story is that the _Bottles of Beer_ song will push anyone over the edge. Even Rei.


	9. Tension I

**Tension**

Shinji, Rei, and Asuka were walking in that order from left to right. Directly to their right was a river in a ravine. A bridge, a collapsed skyscraper, was visible in the distance. Suddenly, Asuka cried out and fell in the river. Shinji and Rei both hurried over and looked over the edge. Asuka, still alive, albeit cursing violently, was gradually ascending the rock wall of the chasm.

Several days later, they were all sitting before a fire, waiting for the moon to crawl high in the sky. Suddenly, Asuka stood.

"I'm going to the bathroom," she said, severely. "If I catch either of you peeking, I'll kill _you_ in _your_ sleep with a curling iron!" She disappeared into the shadows.

Suddenly, Rei tapped Shinji on his shoulder. Looking over, he blushed as he saw her lifting her shirt over her shoulders. With a sickening shock, he saw she was skin and bones; her ribs protruding unsettlingly from her skin.

"…Rei?"

"Ikari," she said, simply, "Sohryu has been placing chemicals in my food."

"…what?"

"Observe her as she prepares our meals." There was a silence.

"_Why?"_

"I do not know."

Shinji considered this for a few moments. "You pushed her into the chasm, didn't you?"

Rei remained silent.

Suddenly, Asuka returned, and demanded silence for sleep.

**A/N:** Not funny, but I'm developing /quotation fingers/ conflict /end quotation fingers/ in a larger /quotations fingers/ story arc /end quotation fingers/.

Bare with me here. Please?


	10. Tension II

**Tension II**

Shinji, Asuka, and Rei were all sleeping. Asuka was at the point of ostracizing Rei, ignoring her whenever possible. Shinji hated the feeling that he was the only thing stopping them from going at each other's throats, but it was getting more and more apparent that that was the case.

Sleeping one night, Shinji suddenly saw Nagisa Kaworu standing before him.

"Kaworu…?" he asked, full of wonder.

"No," said Kaworu, friendly. "I'm just an element of your psyche associated with Kaworu. You are having a hallucination, because the frozen beef you ate was just a tad raw. You should put it over the fire for fifteen minutes, not ten."

"Oh..."

"Ah yes, but had you not eaten raw meat, you would be thinking this instead of seeing it. The point is that I am here to help you reason out a solution for the battle between Rei and Asuka."

"Oh… Why are they fighting?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say they were fighting over you."

"…me?"

"You are the only boy left on the planet."

Shinji considered this slowly. "Well, how do I stop this…?"

"Perhaps confront them with it?"

"But Asuka will just get mad…"

"Certainly, but that doesn't stop her from listening to reason. Oh yes, and stop ending all of your sentences with ellipsis. It's annoying."


	11. Now For Something Completely Different

**And Now For Something Completely Different**

Sitting in a far-away universe where the properties of space and time are so radically different that they cannot be described in this universe, the eighteen angels were swapping war stories around a table with a shape thatcannot not exist within our dimensions of space and time.

"Well," said the eighteenth angel, known to us as Nagisa Kaworu, "I would have you all know that Shinji Ikari is the most gullible individual ever to live. To think he believed that stuff about loving him…"

And the angels laughed heartily at the preposterousness of this idea.


	12. Clone Wars I

**Clone Wars I**

It wasn't easy, but Shinji convinced Rei to stop trying to push Asuka over precipices, and had taken on preparing the food himself, thus preventing Asuka from poisoning Rei.

If things kept going the way they were, the dam was going to burst sooner or later. Depending on who survived, the future would either be populated by huge numbers of inbred blue-heads or huge numbers of inbred red-heads. Shinji had long ago accepted that his genes didn't stand a chance; even they were spineless and introverted.

Luckily, things stopped going the way they were.

Walking through a deserted city, Shinji, Asuka, and Rei suddenly saw a strange figure standing on blueberry hill. He was tall, dark, and not particularly handsome.

"Father!" gasped Shinji.

"Shinji…" said Gendo, slowly.

Rei and Asuka just stared.

"I spent quite some time setting up Instrumentality…" Gendo continued, darkly. "But you rejected it in one fell swoop…"

There was a silence. "Ayanami!" he suddenly cried. Rei looked up, but it quickly became apparent that he wasn't taking to her. A huge army of Rei-clones gathered behind him, all in school uniforms.

Gendo pointed at the three children before saying, "As revenge for the destruction of my greatest work… Eat Them!"


	13. Clone Wars II

**Clone Wars II**

Running from the clone army that was hell-bent on devouring them, Shinji, Asuka, and Rei dashed through a street and into an old UN base, door hanging open. They jumped inside, and Rei and Shinji quickly closed the door while Asuka rested in a corner. They heard a babble of shouting from the outside and pounding on the door, but the barrier held.

"Mein Gott," said Asuka, "Gendo has gone mad!"

The two others looked at her, Shinji incredulous.

"OK, maybe he was already crazy, but you know what I mean!" she said, annoyed.

"We should secure the remaining entrances," said Rei, simply, and began to secure the windows and other doors. Shinji shrugged and did likewise. It was several hours before Gendo joined his army besieging the building, but he came back with a vengeance.

Other clones, Shinji guessed he had at least half a thousand, were carrying various pieces of stereo equipment and assembling around the building.

Speaking into a megaphone, Gendo said, "You may be safe from me for now, but let's see how long your Rei Ayanami can hold out against _this_!"

All the clones began singing into megaphones.

"_Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the wall,_

_Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer!_

_Take one down,_

_Pass it around,_

_Ninety-eight Bottles of Beer on the wall!_"

Rei twitched.


	14. Clone Wars III

**Clone Wars III**

Rei had been reduced to a twitching pile on the floor. Apparently, when the chorus-from-hell had sang,

"_Two more bottles of beer on the wall,_

_Two more bottles of beer,_

_Take one down, _

_Pass it around,_

_One more bottle of beer on the wall!_"

"_And if one of those bottles should happen to fall,_

_There'd be no more bottles of beer on the wall!_

_And if such a cataclysm would come to pass,_

_We'd go out to the store, and by some more!_"

"_Nintey-Nine bottles of beer on the wall…_"

it was too much for her. As such, she had begun rocking, one eye twitching, gently singing along. Shinji looked at Rei, worried?

"I'm worried about Rei," he said, nervously.

"Thank you," said Asuka, sarcasm burning, "Thank you, for that profound and meaningful observation."

"Well… I was thinking… this is an army base, right? Maybe they have a sound-proof shelter… or something."

Asuka looked thoughtful. "Let's try it!" she said, brightly, as she picked up Rei by the arm and led her into the underground tunnels.

Sure enough, there was a room that blocked out most noise, but Gendo quickly figured that out that they weren't in the above ground complex any more, and ordered his Rei clones to spend the twenty-four hours required batter down the metal doors and set up speakers all over the tunnel system; though locating his three targets would be nigh impossible, he could certainly drive them insane.

They were hiding in the armory, listening to the irritating strains of _The Song That Never Ends_. It was sufficiently muffled that it didn't bother Shinji and Asuka, but Rei kept twitching and rocking in time to the music.

Suddenly, she stopped moving. For a few moments, nothing happened; then, she walked over to the weapons lining the wall.

Gendo was happily conducting the chorus, all singing in perfect harmony. Suddenly, he heard footsteps; someone approached. Eagerly, he turned to face his prey, his vengeance would soon be sated.

Then, as his target emerged, the smile left his face.

It was Rei.

Packing a minigun.


	15. Clone Wars IV

**And Now, Once Again, For Something Completely Different. **

In a universe with dimensions beyond our ability to comprehend, Kaworu was dancing in a thong, as the rest of the angels clapped in time with the music. It was quite an exuberant dance, with many back flips and kicks.

We will never know the circumstances around this event, but I assure you that, in context, it made perfect sense.

Oh right! Clone Wars.

**Clone Wars IV**

Rei dropped the minigun, which was smoking from the barrel. Shinji poked his head out from the door he and Asuka were hiding behind. There, he saw such heinous carnage, such mangled corpses, that if I described it, I'd have to move this to Adultfanfiction dot net, and the pervs would get off on it.

Shinji and Asuka stepped through the sea of blood. Bullet wholes riddled the walls; nothing had survived intact. Suddenly, Gendo poked his head up from behind the crate he was hiding behind.

"Ah ha!" he said, crazed, "You missed!"

Asuka threw a rock at him, striking him on the head.

Rei had sat on the floor, gently singing,

"_This is the song that never ends,_

_It just goes on and on my friends,_

_Some people began singing it not knowing what it was,_

_And They'll just keep singing it forever because—_"

"What do we do now?" asked Shinji.

"I don't know…"

Suddenly, Gendo stood up again.

"The damage to Lilith's soul is almost irreparable!" he said, laughing maniacally. "The only thing that can fix her is in SEELE HQ!" He ran off, laughing gleefully.

There was a silence. "Well, where's that?" asked Shinji.


	16. Interlude

**Interlude**

Rei, Shinji and Asuka were hiding in an old building. Rei was sitting, feat curled up, quietly singing to herself. Asuka suddenly stood.

"I'll be right back," she said, and disappeared into the bathroom.

There was a silence.

"It's a shame…" Rei said; Shinji turned his head to look at her. "It's a shame I never realized what a jerk Commander Ikar- Gendo was. It was all their in front of me, but I never realized it. He was always 'Rei! Go pilot the Eva!' or 'Rei! Go to Central Dogma!' or 'Rei! Go for Starbucks!'. I was blind."

"You're free now," said Shinji.

"Yes So now I can do this." Suddenly, Rei stood, walked over, and kissed Shinji. Shinji flushed as the kiss deepened, but broke off mere moments later, and returned to her corner.

When Asuka returned, the air in the room was noticeably different.

"Did I miss anything?"

Shinji considered how to answer. "No. Nothing at all."


	17. Clone Wars V

**Clone Wars V**

Things had gone downhill for Rei.

They had gagged her when she started screaming _Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer_, and she was prone to keeling over and bursting into tears.

"She'll throw herself off a cliff if this gets any worse," said Asuka.

It was a few days later when, climbing through the ruins of a city, the three got help from an unexpected source. A figure in a long green cloak stood before them. He was too short to be Gendo, and bore no signs of hostility.

"Follow," he said, simply. He took off, and Asuka rushed off after him, leaving Shinji to drag Rei along. Through the devastated city they ran, chasing this strange new plot device.

Finally, the stranger led them down into an old concrete tunnel. Deep within the heart of this complex, they found themselves in a large room with a single glass tube in the middle, not unlike that do-hickey Rei floated in Central Dogma.


	18. Clove Wars VI

**A/N:** I wrote this because every fic, regardless of topic, deserves an HP Lovecraft reference.

**Clone Wars: The (Almost! I swear!) Final Battle**

"My god," said Shinji, "It's just like that do-hickey Rei floated in Central Dogma!"

The green-cloaked figure was gone, disappeared into the shadows. Asuka glanced around, examining the equipment on the walls. It was Rei, however, who spoke first.

"Special equipment, designed to repair damaged souls," she said, simply. The two others looked at her, only to find her moment of lucidity had been replaced by a painfully out-of-key rendition of _The Song That Never Ends_.

"Hey, look! An operations manual!" said Asuka, pulling out a booklet. She furrowed her brow.

"What? It says that we need the blood of a rooster, an Unholy Circle, and a six-month old child to-"

"Asuka, that says '_Necronomicon_'," Shinji said, pointing at the front cover. Asuka looked at it.

"I knew that! I knew that! Just testing you," she said, quickly. Tossing aside the unholy book, she grabbed the actual operations manual and began to read.

"One: Place soul-damaged individual in vat. Two: Press 'on' switch. Three: Wait for six hours."

"Six hours!" said Shinji, "Gendo will have found us by then."

Asuka shrugged. "Nothing else to do. Let's hope the steel doors hold."

---

The banging was constant. Gendo had evidently followed them, and was trying to bang down the door with what appeared to be a fresh army of Rei-clones with battering rams.

"Where's he getting all those things?" asked Asuka, over the noisy din of the battering. "I wonder if there's a website for 'em," she said, pensively. "Wondergirl dot com," she suggested.

"I think that's the name of a porn site," observed Shinji.

"**AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT!**" demanded Asuka, turning on him.

"I picked it up from Kaji! I swear!" Shinji said, cowering before the wrath of Asuka.

Asuka returned to her previous line of thought. "Or CheapEvaPilots dot com… cheap, effective Eva pilots 4 less! Of course, they have all the emotion of TV static, they work!"

"I don't think you should talk about Rei like that…" said Shinji, slowly, but was ignored.

"Maybe CheapEvaPilots dot com has a secret factory, miles underground, where they have dozens of copies of Rei floating in a tank, and cell them a dime to a dozen!"

_That isn't too far off the mark,_ thought Shinji.

"Yeah… and then… their working on secret models, like Rei-clones who can heal any wound… and shoot lasers out of their eyes… that would be AWESOME!"

Shinji sighed and ignored her.


	19. Clone Wars: The Final Battle

**A/N:** We wish you a merry Krushtoff, we wish you a merry Krushtoff...

**Kaworu(s)**

_Wait a tick,_ thought Shinji, who had mysteriously started to use Austin Powers expressions, _If SEELE made Kaworu, and Gendo made Rei, and now he has a big army of Reis… I should be able to make an army of Kaworus!_

"Asuka, I have an idea!" he rushed off into the elevator, ignoring Asuka's screeched protests.

Taking it to the floor labeled "Cloning", Shinji and Asuka disembarked and ran to the lab. Conveniently floating in a tube of LCL was a Kaworu dummy. Asuka pulled out the manual, and call for a huge army of clones.

---

Gendo burst into the room, army at his back. Vengeance was his, at last…

Horror gripped him.

It was Asuka and Shinji.

Packing an army of Kaworu clones.

The carnage was terrible. Clones tore each other limb from limb. Shinji could have sworn he saw five Kaworus tearing one Rei limb from limb. As the furious battle raged, its warriors armed only with things as crude as led pipes and sharp bits of glass, blood flowed in great rivers, and the gods themselves seemed to be in the midst of the battle! The great howl of a chainsaw filled the room, sending geysers of gore into the heavens, splattering the roof and walls. As the heinous carnage continued, Asuka averted her eyes, and started sobbing. Shinji put a comforting arm around her, but this was met with a strike to the head and a cry of 'Pervert!'

"No more perverted than what's already happening," said Shinji. A Rei clone slammed a Kaworu into the wall, bashing his face in. However, the armies were almost spent. Soon, only a few tired, wounded fighters, most missing limbs, were left. As the last Reis were slain, Gendo picked up a severed arm and beat the remaining Kaworus to death with it.

"That's one way to get rid of them."

Gendo looked up, grinning. He raised the severed arm above his head, but just then…

Rei emerged, her soul repaired. Further, she had a led pipe. Finally, she looked like she was ready to kill someone with it.

"That was _not_ in the scenario," said Gendo.


	20. Nightmare

**A/N:** I might get yelled at, but seriously, if you're reading this for the 'ship, you've missed the point entirely.

**Horrible Nightmares**

Gendo was getting closer. Shinji ran through the endless maze of tunnels, but his psychotic father seemed to hide behind ever door. Left, right, right left… he was everywhere… he had a knife… death would be painful…

Shinji woke with a start. What a horrible nightmare! His father, even after being beaten with a led pipe, still haunted Shinji's dreams.

Suddenly, Asuka sat up next to him. Then, they realized they were both naked. For a few moments, silence reigned supreme. Then, they screamed.

Downstairs, Rei heard the scream.

_Perhaps allowing them to have a 'victory drink' was unwise_, she thought.


	21. Rei's Revelation

**A/N:** Some day, something interesting will happen. But for now, something that has absolutely nothing to do with the 'story' so far and is the product of a proverbial brain fart:

**Rei's Revelation**

It was a cold, bright morning in Tokyo-3, and the clocks were striking Thirteen. However, NERV was busy as always in its duty of defending the Earth from giant, biomechanical aliens.It functioned like a well-oiled machine; each branch worked in perfect harmony with the others. Suddenly, Rei stepped onto the bridge, to change all that.

"I am pregnant," she said, calm as always.

Instantly, chaos reigned.

Fuyutski keeled over, pounding his chest, screaming, "Start, damnit, start!"

Ritsuko opened her drawer, pulling out a pistol. "Oh god, I never thought that bastard Gendo would sink so low…" she said, pressing it to her head.

Shinji was blushing furiously, eyes on the floor.

Kaji patted Shinji on the shoulder, saying, "Wow, Shinji, I didn't know you had it in you!"

Asuka turned on Shinji, wrathful, screaming, "HOW COULD YOU, DAMNIT, HOW COULD YOU!"

"WHO'S THE FATHER!" demanded Misato.

Kaworu looked nervous and snuck off down a corridor.

"This," began Gendo, "was _not_ in the scenario."


	22. Rei's Revelation Part II

**Rei's Revelation (Part II)**

"So… uh…"

"Yeah."

"Explain it to me again?" The purplehead was obviously confused.

"For god's sake! It's not rocket science!"

"Yes, it is."

"This," the blonde pulled down a chart covered with equations and diagrams, "is rocket science!"

"I wasn't saying it actually _was_ rocket science, just that, on a scale of complexity, it is equal."

"You're hopeless."

"I know!" Misato grinned.

"Look, it's just a pregnancy chart," the blonde pointed at another chart on the wall, showing the various stages of a fetus. "It's just a little different."

"A _little_ different?"

"Well, ok, a lot different. But is it really that hard for you to wrap your head around?"

"The pregnancy's going to last two weeks!"

"Well… yes… there is that…"


	23. Rei's Revelation Part III

**Rei's Revelation (Part III)**

Inflating this much in such a short period of time was painful, yes, but Rei had endured worse. Between being throttled, beaten up, blown up, and losing an arm (and then re-growing it), she had endured a lot. As such, she kept a mask of neutrality, and even when mood swings compelled her to mortally injure Asuka, she kept control.

"What is the effect of pregnancy on Pilot Ayanami's synch ratio?" Gendo asked, face a mask of darkness.

"Uh…" Ritsuko scratched her head. "We can't get a clear reading. The child's interfering with the equipment."

"Can we abort it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"'Cuz it's part Angel. Why do you think?

Gendo looked pensive. "What if we clone a _new_ Rei?"

"Huh?"

"We kill this one, then clone a new one. That gets rid of the child."

"Uh…"

"Further, this clone will be trained in all of the martial arts… and firearms… and a mechanical eye that can see in infared… yeah, and then she'd have a suit of armor that grants superhuman speed and strength, and it would have a bazooka attached, and could shoot laser beams… that would be _awesome!_ Teach SEELE a lesson…"

There was a silence.

"Did I say that out loud?"


	24. Rei's Revelation Part IV

**Rei's Revelation IV**

**A/N:** See author's note at bottom of page.

Rei was walking down the supermarket aisle, slightly unstable in her inflated form. She reached up for a can, when a voice came from behind her.

"Ayanami…" It was Shinji.

"Yes, Ikari?" Rei rotated to face him. She remained neutral, even with hormones raging out of control and an organism the size of a melon growing inside her. She was even calm with the knowledge she would, in the near future, have to push it out a hole the size of a penny.

"Umm… do you need some help?" There was a silence. Rei turned and pointed to a jar atop a high shelf. Shinji reached up and grabbed it, and then placed it in Rei's cart. He continued to help throughout the trip.

It was outside the store that Rei spoke again. "Thank you… Shinji…" There was a silence, until Rei, suddenly, began to cry.

"What's wrong?" asked Shinji, comfortingly.

"Everything," she whispered. Then, she kissed him.

**A/N:** See author's note at top of page.


	25. Interlude II

**Interlude**

-Meanwhile, sometime after Third Impact, somewhere in Japan-

Shinji ran and ran, but he could not escape. Clones broke in through every window, every door. Dashing, dashing… they wanted to eat him… AHH!

Shinji woke with a start. He was lying in a bed. Calming his breath, he waited till he had a decent grip on reality. Suddenly, Asuka sat up next to him, naked as he was. They stared at each other for a few minutes. Before they could scream, though, Rei sat up, also naked.

Silence reigned.

**A/N: **Monty Python put it best: "Stop that, it's _silly_! And a little suspect, I might add."


	26. Rei's Revelation Part V

**A/N:** You know you want it…

**Rei's Revelation (Part V)**

Shinji was sitting in the school cafeteria, eating his lunch. It was a delightful morning, and the clocks were just striking thirteen. He was sitting with Touji… Toji… however you spell his name… and Kensuke, when Rei walked up to them. Sitting next to them, belly inflated, she looked neutral as always. Inside, though, she felt compelled to punch a few people.

"So _that's_ it," said Kensuke, wisely.

"What?" asked Shinji, wearily.

"You knocked up Rei!"

Shinji gagged. His life, and the future of humanity, would have ended right there, had Rei not performed a well-timed Heimlich maneuver.

Further, you have not lived until you've seen pregnant Rei perform a Heimlich maneuver. "I… didn't… get… Rei… pregnant," he coughed out.

"Then who? You're closest to Rei, Gendo is evil, but not _that_ evil…"

Shinji had no response. "I didn't… uh… ah, crap…"

"Ah ha! So it was you!" said Kensuke, who ran off to tell the school. The rumors, not unlike the flu virus, evolved into increasingly dangerous forms. There were such immortal tales of 'they did it right in the entry plug!' and 'it was a threesome!' (draw your own conclusions). Ultimately, Shinji resolved to kill himself. But Rei convinced him otherwise. By threatening to have Gendo fire Misato, that is. Hey, if you were pregnant, you'd be pissed that your one and only friend is going to commit suicide too.


	27. Rei's Revelation Part VI

**A/N:** In the next chapter, the baby will be born. I swear. You can put the pitchforks away now.

**Rei's Revelation (Part VI)**

Waiting outside the delivery room, Shinji wondered what horrible act in a previous life had earned him Asuka's wrath, Misato's teasing, and Kaji's respect, all in one fell swoop. Dear god, was he Misato's father? Hitler?

It was just then, though, that Sub-Commander Fuyutski appeared. "Pilot Ikari… a word?" he said, calmly. Eager to escape Asuka's fury, Shinji scrambled up and followed. Off in a side corridor, Fuyutski looked nervous.

"Uh… Shinji?"

"Yes?"

"I won't say how it happened, but I'm your father."

There was a long silence. Suddenly, Shinji hugged Fuyutski.

"Anyone but Gendo, huh?"

**A/N:** In the next chapter, the baby will be born. I swear. You can put the pitchforks away now.


	28. Rei's Revelation Final

**Rei's Revelation (The Final Part)**

Kaworu was getting yelled at. He _hated_ that, but there wasn't much he could do.

"This was not in the scenario," fumed Chairman Numero-Uno, "And it's all your fault!"

"My fault!" demanded Kaworu, "My orders specifically said to knock up the First Child."

"No they- what the hell!" The Chairman looked in horror at the copy of the orders. "Chairman 5! I told you to stop playing your little 'jokes' on the rest of the organization!"

"What? It was funny! Besides, it screwed Gendo's scenario anyway."

"That doesn't get us anywhere! We need to get things going according to our scenario!"

"Boo, you're no fun!"

Chairman 1 turned back to Kaworu. "Well, so much for this plan… get the JSDF ready!"

Ironically, though, preggers!Rei was single-handedly responsible for the destruction of the JSDF forces and Gendo (she stepped on him. Accidently, of course)


	29. The Original Plot

**A/N:** Now, answering requests from both jcmoorehead and Sailor Star Dust…

**Back to the Original Plot**

Rei was having nightmares. Thousands of clones chased her down the deserted corridors of SEELE's headquarters. Worse, they were singing…

_This is the song that never ends!_

_It just goes on and on my friends!_

_Some people began singing it_

_Not knowing what it was,_

_And they'll just keep singing forever because-_

Soon, Rei realized that strange sound was her own screaming. Further, the clones were horribly out of key, adding an especially painful 'fingernails on chalkboard' effect. It was a horrible torture. Suddenly…

"Rei! Wake up!"

Thank god, it was just a dream. Rei found herself drenched in sweat, curled in a ball on the floor. Her two traveling companions were looking at her nervously. Shinji was the closest, and had a comforting arm on her.

"What's wrong, Rei?" Genuine concern was in his eyes. Rei twitched.

Asuka rolled her eyes. "Not _that_ nightmare again."

**A/N:** I honestly have no idea what makes this funny.


	30. Meanwhile

**Meanwhile**

Gendo had set up shop in the old NERV HQ. A few new clones were busily running about, cleaning up the old base. He had given uniforms to all of his agents: the ones in plugsuits were the guards, wielding automatic weapons, the ones in school uniforms were mechanics and such, and the naked ones were in his personal harem (draw your own conclusions).


	31. Akagi

**A/N:** I'm in my Gendo phase.

**Akagi**

Gendo Ikari sat at the commander's desk, looking out over the crudely-repaired bridge. Specially-trained Rei clones were sitting at the consoles, but they weren't much for conversation… Standing up, Gendo walked to the edge of the platform, and looked down on what was left of one of the Magi.

"Dr. Akagi," he said, darkly.

Ritsuko poked her head out from under the computer.

"What?"

"Would I look better if I shaved?"

There was a silence. Ritsuko rolled her eyes and disappeared under the computer.

"I'll take that as a 'no'."


	32. Subtle I

**A/N:** OK, so this is just a little experiment of mine. I took all the characters personalities (not so) subtly changed them, and plugged them into the original story. This is the result.

**Subtle Differences I**

Shinji Ikari was in a foul mood. Understandably, as the government had just demolished his house to make way for some sort of secret base. Shortly thereafter, he'd gotten the Letter. He would have ignored the Letter, had his house not been demolished. However… he had nowhere else to go, and he had to confess he was curious… His father hadn't communicated with him in any way, shape or form since that fateful day then years ago…

The monorail ground to a halt. The city stretched out beyond, a slight drizzle wetting the desolate concrete jungle. Shinji had grown up in the country; he disliked the poisoned air and discordant noise. Still, a house was a house and a job was a job. Making his way from the platform, he saw the escorts his father promised: six giant G-men, all in suits. Ear pieces in their ears and guns at their sides, their presence was in harsh juxtaposition with the cheery, purple-haired woman in her late twenties standing in the front.

"He's here, boys!" she said, delighted. The men opened the door of a large, black van, with NERV written in giant red letters on it, just like his father said. Shinji climbed in; the men quickly followed. The cheerful woman sat next to him, trying to look comforting.

"I know this is a tad worrisome," she said, soothingly, "but I assure you, NERV will look after you."

Silence.

"Why the foul expression?"

"The government just knocked my house. I still haven't quite gotten over that," Shinji said, dryly.

"Understandable. But NERV will fully reimburse- Wait a tick, you live alone? I mean… you're fourteen"

"Eh. The foster system is overloaded as it is. I suspect they were just glad to get rid of me. So… uh… who are you?"

"Captain Misato Katsuragi at your service!" she said, with a flourish. "But right at the moment, we need to bypass the introductions and get to HQ."

"Why?"

"Because there is a giant, cybernetic alien war machine that has successfully crippled or destroyed all of our conventional defenses heading for the city."

Once again, silence."

"I think a 'what the hell' wouldn't be out of order right at the moment," said Shinji. Misato chuckled.

"You see, we have our own giant, cybernetic war machines that are piloted by humans. By coming, you've just agreed to a contract with NERV to pilot such a war machine."

"What! I never got a choice to-"

"You should have read the fine print."

"There _was_ no fine print!"

"Give the letter here," said Misato. Taking it, she doused its back with lemon juice, causing formerly invisible lettering to appear."

"What the- that's cheating!" said Shinji, crossly.

Misato looked sympathetic, but was secretly marveling at Gendo's cleverness.

---

Meanwhile, inside the NERV complex…

"Unit 00 has suffered severe damage!"

"Spontaneous Massive Existence Failure imminent!"

"Oh Noes!"

The Commander adjusted his shades. He was a tall, imposing man, not the sort of fellow you want to get into a fight with after having a few too many at the local bar. Fingers steepled, he prepared to give out an order.

"Pilot Ayanami, withdraw." He dearly hoped Rei would listen. The monitors indicated she did, but this came at a price: she sang a rousing chorus of 'We All Live in a Yellow Submarine'.

"He's here, sir," a suited man said. Gendo's eyes rotated to face his sun for the first time in ten years. Shinji looked up at his dad, wondering why his father felt the need to set all the lights to absolute minimum.

"So… I'm here to pilot giant robots, am I?" Shinji asked, sourly. He'd genuinely hoped his father wanted to see him.

"Your purpose is to destroy the Angels," said Gendo, darkly.

"For a few days, I thought you actually cared," said Shinji, quietly. "I'll do whatever you want me to do, but I'll never trust you again. I always thought that you had just made a mistake, and that some day you'd come back. Now I know; I'm just another puppet."

More silence.

"Pilot Ayanami has returned!" A flurry of activity, then a girl was led out onto the bridge. Ayanami was odd, to say the least, and the gaze she fixed Shinji with was strangely searching, but not necessarily hostile. Suddenly, the lights flickered as a blast rocked the base. Ayanami fell off the stretcher, hitting the ground with a sickening thud. Acting on instinct, Shinji darted over and lifted her head. Ragged breathing filled his ears. As the chaos on the bridge was mastered, Shinji single-handedly kept Rei warm in the freezing room. When they gathered her onto the stretcher, a strange blonde woman in a lab coat gave Shinji a little nod.

"Nice job, kid," she said, before leading Rei off.

"Third Angel is right ahead on top of us!"

"Get the Third Child to the entry plug ASAP!"

Shinji honestly didn't want to pilot the do-hickey without any training. However, soon he was on the surface, armed only with the hurried briefing provided him by Misato. Delightful.

The attacker soon lumbered into view. Sachiel stood tall, swatting skyscrapers like flies and crushing tanks beneath its feet.

"It looks kinda cool," observed Shinji.

"Alright, just concentrate on walking," came the blonde woman's voice. Shinji's robot lumbered forward, one step at a time. Sachiel, the Angel, advanced eagerly, and proceeded to beat the purple Eva to a pulp.

"That didn't go well," observed Misato.

However, the battle was not over. Thrown back into a pile of buildings, the Eva was pissed. And when _that_ happens, my friends, it's all over but the cryin'. Unit 01 proceeded to commit such vicious acts of violence on Sachiel that I can't describe them to you without being reported. Sachiel proceeded to self-destruct, rather than face the immense emotional trauma of the heinous acts visited upon him. Her. It. Whatever it is.

Shinji, however, had died.

---

When Shinji awoke, he was lying on an examination table in the middle of a room filled with such tables. The blonde woman was not far away, examining (it was an examination table, after all) the sleeping form of the girl with blue hair. She noticed Shinji was awake.

"I died…" muttered Shinji. He was understandably addled.

"Yes, but no worries. We got you into a cloned body ASAP," the woman said, pleasantly.

Silence.

"Did I miss something?"


	33. Subtle II

Shinji Ikari hated many things. He hated his father, he hated giant robots, and he hated most of the people he worked with. However, there was one thing he hated above all others.

Tokyo-3.

The city was a mess of urban sprawl and confusing roadways. It was all Shinji could do to get to work on time, much less school. However, it wasn't _all_ bad. Misato was a fun person, and Rei… Well, Misato was a fun person, anyway. There wasn't really very much to say about Rei, beyond her obvious lack of emotion. However, her medical problems were a little more subtle. In fact, Shinji found out about these problems in a very curious manner.

Rei, Misato, and Shinji were riding in an elevator. Rei was staring at the wall, Misato was chatting happily, and Shinji was wondering when this nightmare was going to end. Suddenly, Rei keeled over, her head hitting the wall with a crack. She lay on the ground in a pool of blood. Her two companions stared, then Misato kneeled down and checked Rei's pulse.

"Oh, not again," she groaned. Shinji looked at her questioningly. Reaching for a phone, Misato began to mutter something. Replacing it, she stopped the elevator at the next floor, picked Rei up, and carried her to a deserted room.

"Uh… Misato?"

"It's nothing to worry about."

"Uh… I don't think she's breathing."

"Well, no, but there's no reason to worry."

"No reason to worry! She's dead!"

"Only for a little while."

"What the- She's _dead_. She's _ceased to be!_ She's died and gone to see her maker."

"Just wait till Ritsuko gets here."

"No amount of medical attention will save her now! She's dead as a doornail! Dead! Gone! This is an ex-pilot!"

Suddenly, Ritsuko entered with some medical staff. Picking up Rei's body, they left the room. Then, the noise of power tools filled the air. Rei stumbled inside, a bandage wound around her forehead, crazed grin on her face. Ritsuko poked her head inside.

"Shinji, it's gonna take her a little while to relearn her body… mind taking care of her for the rest of the day?"

"Um… No problem," said Shinji, uncertainly. And so, he ended up dragging Rei along with him as he went to school, which mysteriously came after work in Tokyo-3. Leading the addled Rei down the road, some people may have gotten the wrong idea. Yes, perhaps they were holding hands. Yes, perhaps Rei was clinging to him, staring out at the world with frightened eyes. But that's not a good reason to assume anything.

What do you _mean_, yes it is? Are you stupid or something?

So, when he sat Rei at her desk, and went over to his, he was instantly bombarded with questions by the only two people in Tokyo-3 who had ever been nice to him, or, indeed, taken notice of him.

"When did that happen?" asked Kensuke, immediately. Shinji looked at him oddly.

"Did I miss something?" he asked, innocently.

"No, you and Ayanami. When did you become an item?"

Shinji gagged. "What gave you that idea?"

Toji cut in. "Well, you came in holding hands, she was being clingy-"

"Is that even a word, 'clingy'?"

"Word processor is ok with it. Anyway, you came in holding hands, she was clinging to you, and is now staring at you." Shinji looked over his shoulder to see that Rei was indeed staring at him, not really longingly, but definitely in his direction.

"Uh…" Shinji considered what to say. "Alright, ask her."

Kensuke sidled over to Rei's desk. They had a brief exchange, before the blonde boy came back, looking put out. "She didn't understand what I meant."

Right then, the fourth Angel attacked. Highly difficult to deal with, but hey, anything is better than school.


	34. Subtle III

Of course, the Fourth Angel was a little weird, and vaguely phallus. However, Shinji was not thinking about design innuendos when he was being assaulted with glowing whip-thingies of doom. The doom-whips were knocking him around quite easily. It was just then, though, that Unit 00 stumbled off of the surface. It drew the prog knife and blindly charged the Fourth Angel. Shamshel attacked, with the purpose of causing so much pain that the pilot would go insane. However, it did not realize one thing, Rei's greatest power.

Rei does not care what happens to Rei.

If ordered, she'd attack until you've hacked off all her limbs. Then, she'd then try and bite you. Rei ultimately doesn't care what happens to her, because another body is waiting.

So she ignored the fact that her orange Eva was being whipped to pieces, and buried her prog knife in its chest. The creature stumbled back, ripping off Unit 00's arms and knocking it over. However, with a knife buried in its chest, it wasn't prepared for Shinji, who managed to kill it.

I'm in the mood for short battles. Hey, it's hard to deliver jokes about giant robots.

Shinji stumbled out of the entry plug, and ran over to the dilapidated Unit 00. Opening the superheated entry plug, he looked inside. Rei sat inside, passed out.

"Rei!" Silence. Shinji briefly considered being worried, then remembered that NERV would just clone her into a new body anyway. He briefly considered just sitting down and waiting for rescue. Suddenly, he saw it from Rei's point of view: How would it feel if absolutely no one cared about him, and would just leave him to die, even if he could come back. Climbing inside, he picked up Rei and carried her out of the entry plug, and sat her down against the side of the Eva.

"Why…?" she murmured, but then passed out again. Shinji didn't reply.

---

Meanwhile, somewhere in the Indian Ocean…

"Omigod!" yelled Asuka, her voice lacking any pleasing qualities at all. Her shrill cries have been reported to break glass, but only when she's on crack. (once again, draw your own conclusions) "Omigod It's an angel!-! WhatIsAsukaGonnaDo! Kill kill kill! YAY! GO NERV GO NERV!"

The admiral rubbed his forehead. He had more headaches on this trip… "Fire all cannons!"

The monstrous angel leapt through the air, crushing a battleship. Asuka jumped up and down. "Eva! Let's use Asuka's beautiful Unit 02! Omigod, that would be _awesome_!" The admiral briefly considered using the pistol in his lower desk drawer, perhaps on Asuka, perhaps on himself. Then, he had an idea.

"Miss Soryu!"

"Lemme use it! Asuka will kill the nasty Angel! Kill kill kill!"

"Miss Soryu… just… take the Eva…"

Asuka shot off like a bat out of hell, demolishing several locked steel doors on her way. "Get the Ibuprofen…" muttered the admiral.

Asuka shot towards the helicopter waiting to take her to the transport ship, but passed it. She was moving so fast that she was able to run across the water, leaving wake larger then your average cruiser's. With one monstrous, physics-defying leap, she jumped onto the carrier with the Eva. Not even bothering to dawn a plug suit, she leapt into the entry plug and joined the battle.

Asuka's combat style was unique. She would grab the creature by the tale, swing it around a few times, and throw it in the water. This had absolutely no effect, and the fleet was being torn apart. Finally, the German redhead had the bright idea of burying her prog knife into the creature's side, holding it firm, and trying to dig into it. This came at much pain to Asuka, but she wad determined to prove how much better she was than these navy dolts. The Angel's teeth sank into the Eva's armor, but it was gradually being torn apart by the knife. Finally, she penetrated the skin and ripped into the core. A few moments strain, one last application of pressure, and it fell to the bottom of the sea. Asuka relaxed.

Unfortunately, though, the Eva's battery abruptly gave out, and it toppled into the sea. Asuka cleverly ejected the entry plug at the last moment. It ejected and flew off towards Japan. Unit 02 sank… sank… sank…

"It'll take a few days to fish that out," sighed the admiral. "Get the diving team."

---

Meanwhile, in Tokyo-3…

Many people do not know this, but Tokyo-3 is a seaside city. Indeed, it is built right on the southern coast, where boats often come and go. There is a beach, but it is a muddy, boring affair, and most people would rather not get involved with the desolate boatyard.

What? What do you _mean_ that isn't canon?

Anway, Shinji and Rei often went there, for reasons known only to Rei. Perhaps she liked the smell of industrial pollution, or maybe the permanently overcast sky. Either way, her death rate dropped to around nil when Shinji was about, so he stayed around her. Partially that and they had become inseparable. Well, more that Rei couldn't separate from him. She followed him around, and although it was a bit creepy, she did have a few uses. Like, say, carrying stuff. Or talking to when you don't expect an interesting response.

Anyway, they were walking on a concrete platform looking over this muddy beach, when they saw a large object approaching in the distance. The two pilots looked at this carefully, and soon recognized it as an entry plug, albeit with rocket boosters attached to its rear. It grew gradually bigger, until Rei and Shinji felt compelled to take a few steps back. Ever closer, its noise became a roar, and it slammed into the concrete platform, burying itself a few feet in.

"Never a dull moment," observed Shinji.

The entry plug door popped open, and out stepped Asuka Langley Soryu. "Asuka lives!" she said, raising her hands over her head in triumph. "The silly Angels shall tremble before Asuka's wrath, for she nobly serves her master!"

"Uh… are you Asuka?" inquired Shinji.

"Omigod, you know her? Asuka has achieved fame already!" The girl looked even more triumphant. "Could you please direct Asuka towards NERV HQ?"

"Uh… that way," said Shinji. The redhead sprinted off down the cliff. Shinji looked after her. "Do you figure someone accidentally put cocaine in her baby formula?"


	35. Subtle IV

**A/N:** Damn, Asuka really is turning into Excel. On well, at least Excel Saga is the best anime ever, with the notable exception of NGE. Further, she seems to have hijacked Rei's roll as Gendo worshipper. And… uh… Look! The chapter titles are back!

**Subtle IV**

After picking up some Ibuprofen at the drug store, Shinji made his way back home. However, when Misato opened the door, he discovered he was in for a little surprise.

"It's Rei! What's she doing here?" asked Misato, standing in the doorway. Shinji turned around. He could have sworn that Rei had gone in a different direction, but she standing right behind him. "Bring your girlfriend for a night of fun?" asked Misato, teasingly.

"No, she's like a duckling following its mother," said Shinji, crossly. Rei didn't get the analogy, since she had never seen a duckling following its mother, or, indeed, ducks. However, she knew that, as long as she didn't leave Shinji's side, she didn't die. The solution was obvious: never leave Shinji's side. Ever. Doing so would result in a prompt death.

Misato chuckled and let him in, and wasn't surprised when Rei followed him. Laughing inside, she wondered where this was going. Shinji stopped. Rei stopped. Shinji looked over his shoulder. Rei stared back.

"Why do you keep following me?"

"I do not die when in your presence."

Shinji considered this. It was true. She hadn't inexplicably dropped dead once since he started saving her, and pushing her out of the way cars and such had become a reflex. But still…

"Do you want to live here?"

"Yes."

Shinji sighed. He briefly considered turning her out, but she'd probably drop dead or get hit by a bus. As such, he decided to let her stay. It's not like moving her would be very hard. She had three whole sets of clothes (all school uniforms) and several volumes of Emmanuel Kant. Why, Shinji wasn't certain. But they looked well-read.

---

"FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS-" Asuka sang, tunelessly. "IT JUST GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS!"

Shinji sat at the briefing desk, _patiently_ waiting for someone to either tranquilize, or preferably shoot, Asuka. Suddenly, Misato and Ritsuko entered. "SOME PEOPLE BEGAN SINGING-" Asuka was rudely cut off as Ritsuko jabbed a syringe into her arm. The redhead abruptly passed out.

"Now," said Misato, "In light of the arrival and subsequent defeat of the latest Angel-"

"Wait a minute," said Shinji. "I didn't hear about any Angels."

Ritsuko cut in. "Oh, don't worry, it attacked while you were doing the synch test. Weird thingy, microscopic, eats through flesh, metal, got pretty close to you, actually. We killed it mere moments before it ate you, though."

"_What?_ An Angel attacked, almost killed me, and I was never informed! Why didn't you eject the plug?"

"Oh, we wanted to get the readings, too. It's not like we couldn't bring you back."

"Bring me back! I was going to be eaten!"

"Even if you were, no worries."

"Wait just a minute, maybe it doesn't count for Rei, but dead is dead!"

"Well, that's subjective-"

"Pilots, Major, Doctor," said Gendo, who had suddenly walked in. All froze as Gendo stood in the doorway, long blue coat reaching the floor. "I came to discuss this matter of the alert system."

Shinji stood. "Yes, I find highly unfair that the people who where in the path of a microscopic entity that would eat them are not informed."

Gendo was about to speak, but Asuka abruptly woke up. Moving into a sitting position, she rubbed the sleep out her eyes. It was the calmest Shinji had ever seen her. "That dose should have killed a gorilla," whispered Ritsuko. Then, Asuka saw Gendo.

"COMMANDER!" she flew out of her seat and crashed into Gendo, nearly knocking him off his feat. The commander stumbled, slowly regaining his balance with Asuka clinging to him. She looked up at him, sublime smile on her face. Shinji expected Gendo to turn Asuka into a substance vaguely resembling mashed potatoes. But then Gendo did something surprising.

He patted Asuka on the head.

"Asuka has come, just as you ordered, Commander," she said, practically foaming at the mouth. Gendo nodded and sat down, with Asuka sitting on the chair's arm next to him.

"That's just a little creepy," muttered Shinji.


	36. Subtle V

**A/N:** I would start a new story for each individual arc, but I want to see how many reviews I can get on this sucker. Further, I am going to include more Asuka sections, on the grounds that they get the best responses. And… uh… taking after J.G.'s NGE Season 2, we now have theme music!

**Subtle V**

"_This is the fic that never ends!  
__It just goes on and on my friends!  
__These poor souls began reading it,  
__Not knowing what it was,  
__But they'll just keep reading forever because-_"

Shinji was sitting at the desk, doing homework. Rei was sitting at the opposite chair, staring at him. He was getting use to it, but it was a little creepy.

"Don't you have any homework to do?" he asked, suddenly looking up.

"I finished it."

Shinji looked down at his work, and odd expression on his face. "Rei, this is advanced trigonometry. This can take mathematicians hours."

"It is simply numbers."

Shinji looked down at the mess of calculations on his paper. This was going nowhere. Sighing, he returned to his work. Fifteen minutes passed, and Rei was still staring at him. He was about to turn on the fan (Rei would stare at that for hours for reasons unknown), but she cut in with a surprising comment.

"I can finish it for you, Ikari." Shinji looked up. Rei was still looking at him, with a very odd look on her face.

"Excuse me?"

"I can finish this trigonometry homework for you, Ikari. It would be easily within my abilities." Shinji looked at her questioningly.

"Why?"

Rei continued to stare at him. "Sohryu-" She cut off abruptly. "I enjoy it," she said, blandly. Shinji was understandably suspicious. He hadn't heard of Rei enjoying anything, other than not dieing.

"What were you saying about Asuka?" he asked.

"I did not mention Pilot Sohryu," she responded, quickly. _Too_ quickly.

"Yes you did."

"I did not."

Shinji pulled out the script. "See! It's right there in paragraph eleven!" Then, however, Shinji realized this is self-referential, and does not count.

"I assure you, I did not."

Shinji looked around, then at the homework. This was going nowhere fast. He was hesitant, _but_… He shoved it over to Rei's side of the table with a curt, "Don't tell Misato." As she filled in the answers, Shinji found that she was startlingly good at replicating his hand writing. She even got that subtle little sideways tilt on crossing the t's right. She quickly returned it to him. Staring at it, Shinji got up and returned to his room. He was placing the homework in his bag when he felt light breathing on his back. Looking over his shoulder, he saw was standing behind him, questionably close.

"Uh… Rei?"

"Yes, Shinji?"

Shinji started. This was the first time she did not address him simply as Ikari. "Uh Rei? Why have your speech patterns changed? And, uh… why are you trying to hug me?"

"Pilot Sohryu informed me that when one person does another's homework, it is a sign of undying love." She drew closer. Shinji backed into the desk.

"Uh… That might be true in Germany, but Germany's weird…"

"Why is the nation of Germany unusual?" Rei's advance continued.

"They attacked Poland because they thought it was looking at them funny!" Shinji had nowhere to run. Would he be the first boy to be raped by an albino Eva pilot with blue hair?

"Ikari, I want your love." If there was one thing creepier than Asuka and Gendo… Or maybe not. It's a close match.

"Uh… Look! The fan is on!" Rei abruptly turned around, and Shinji made a run for it. However, Rei grabbed him by the collar.

"If you do not wish for me, I will allow you to leave." Shinji stared into her eyes, which suddenly seemed sad. And when Rei puts on puppy eyes, she's hard to resist.

Shinji stared at her. "You want to be a couple?"

She nodded.

"With me?"

She nodded again, puppy eyes growing wider.

"And Asuka put you up to this?"

"I came to her for advice."

"Uh…"

"Let me love you, Ikari, please." Shinji could tell she was on the edge of tears. He'd never seen such a display of emotion from her. If he said no, she'd probably die over and over and over… until Gendo decided it wasn't worth the effort and just didn't resurrect her. Further, it's not like she'd make a _bad_ girlfriend, but he couldn't really see himself settling down with her. However, those big, puppy eyes…

"Oh… alright." Her face moved back to neutrality, and she let go of his collar. There was a long, tense silence.

"What now?" Shinji asked.

"I do not know," Rei said. She stared at him. Shinji realized that, although she had feelings, she didn't know what to do with them.

"Do you want to go out for lunch?" She nodded. Shinji shrugged, dawned a coat, and headed out of the door, Rei in tow. They made there way to a corner diner and took a corner booth, corner's galore. Rei stared at him. Shinji stared back.

"How long have you piloted?" Shinji asked.

"As long as I can remember," said Rei.

There was a silence. "Is that why you are so quiet?"

"I am uncertain. Dr. Akagi once said that 'She's been piloting so long that her brain's turned to mash potatoes and her DNA's become a single helix', but I did not understand the expression."

Shinji considered explaining it to her, but decided against it. He tried to find out what other interest she had. "Uh… Do you have any interests beyond piloting?"

Rei considered. "I enjoy reading."

That would explain her straight A's in literature and philosophy. "Emmanuel Kant?"

"Yes, among others."

Another silence. OK, so maybe they didn't have anysimilar interests. There had something.

"I can play the cello," said Shinji, brightly.

But then Rei said something so shocking, so unexpected, that Shinji gagged. However, it did sound nice… pleasurable, even… and it suddenly seemed so… _appealing_. And I would tell it to you what it was…

**BUT**

Asuka was watching them from across the diner. "As Asuka's master ordered, Asuka shall watch the dummkopf for signs of treachery… yes… Asuka will serve her master well…" she muttered to herself, between taking inhumanly sized bites out of the prime ribs before her.

The two abruptly got up, Shinji paid the bill, and they left. Asuka jumped up and followed them, sneaking from hiding place along their path. Rei had a weird smile on her face. They stopped by the drug store, but before Asuka could follow them in, the exited. Shinji had a small, box-like object shunted in his pocket. Asuka may be a fries short of a happy meal, but she knew what to be suspicious of. Following them, she followed them to Misato's apparent. Peaking through a window, she saw Rei, a still with a weird grin on her face, and Shinji, blushing slightly, disappear into his bedroom. Asuka paled. But she had to get more intelligence before passing judgment, she knew that much. Putting on a display of superhuman agility, she ran around to the side of the building, and scaled its side with sheer speed. Climbing to the balcony, she found the door open.

"Asuka must be cautions in her superior's appartment," she muttered to herself. Climbing in through the door, she went over to the room and listened at the crack at the door. Panting. Heavy panting. Turning beet red, she stumbled back, eventually falling backwards over the balcony. Inexplicably, she survived. And, pulling out her mobile phone, she called Gendo.

"MASTER! MASTER! SHINJI'S DOING REI! SHINJI'S DOING REI!" she shouted into the receiver.


	37. Subtle VI

**A/N:** At killerbbb's request, we now have more! And a new theme song, too! (It turned out a little edgier than I intended, though)

**Subtle VI**

To the tune of _Die Another Day_. Google it.

_A time to Live,  
__A time to Die,  
__A time for Asuka,  
__A time for Rei, _

_It's not my time to go!_

_A time to Sin,  
__A time to Save,  
Another Shinji,  
__Another Rei,_

_It's not my time to go!_

_I'd sing song,  
__Another way,  
__I'd tell this tale,  
__Another day,_

_This is the only way!_

---

Gendo was sitting in front of a desk, the chairman of SEELE arrayed before him.

"You have nothing to worry about, gentleman," said Gendo, calmly. "Project E is on schedule. Human Instrumentality will soon be complete."

Gendo's phone rang. Opening, he heard Asuka's exuberant shouting. He coughed to cover his surprise, and quickly hung up.

"Ikari?" one of the chairmen asked, suspiciously.

"Nothing of importance," said Gendo.

---

Shinji sensed something was wrong the moment he entered school, Rei in tow. Everyone looked at them funny, and Toji kept giving him the 'boo-ya' sign, whatever that might be. Sitting in his desk, he made sure Rei took her usual seat by the window, then sat at his usual desk. Asuka was singing something under her breath, which was unusual.

Shinji kept getting odd looks over the class, and Hikari turned up her nose and looked away. Shrugging, he tried to sneak over and hear what Asuka was saying. She had been gagged, he discovered.

Bemused, Shinji returned to his desk.

---

After class, Shinji was walking towards the apartment, Rei following, when Toji and Kensuke ambushed him.

"Hey guys!" they said, innocently. Shinji immediately knew something was wrong.

"What's up?" he asked, suspiciously.

"Oh, we just wanted to talk about you and Ayanami," said Kensuke, sweetly.

"And how you were able to lose your virginity before me," said Toji.

Shinji paled. "Uh… that was why they gagged Asuka, huh?"

"Yep. She was shouting in the streets."

Shinji turned almost as pale as Rei. Almost. "But… that's not what happened!"

"Sure!" said Kensuke, poking him in the side. "Then why were you in Misato's room together?"

"With condoms?"

"And why was there heavy breathing?"

Shinji remained silent. "We were playing a duet – _that is in no way an innuendo!_ – because Rei could play the flute – _also in no way an innuendo!_ – and I can play the cello, which also isn't an innuendo. And there were no condoms."

"Wait a minute," said Kensuke, "How was that last bit an innuendo?"

"I'm surprised pervs like you didn't notice it," said Shinji, crossly. "The point is, that Rei and I were absolutely _not having sex_. See? I said it!"

There was a silence. "Prove it," said Kensuke.

"_Huh_?" demanded Shinji.

"The school's putting on a concert showcasing everyone's music skills. You and Ayanami play, and we'll vouch for you."

**A/N:** Short, but I'm in a hurry. Tune in next time, for the... umm... another angel, a school concert, a twist, and Asuka continuing her Excel impression.


	38. Subtle VII

**A/N:** I'm in a 'torture Shinji' mood today.

**Subtle VII**

_Clang! Clang! Shinji's purple Eva came down 'pon Gendo's head,_

_Bang! Bang! Shinji's purple Eva made sure that he was dead!_

_Clang! Clang! Asuka's crimson Eva ripped off the MPs' head!_

_Bang! Bang! Asuka's crimson Eva made sure they were dead!_

And so, Shinji and Rei spent the next few days frantically practicing for the school concert. Well, Shinji was frantic, anyway. Rei found it rather difficult to be frantic.

After much debating, they decided what to play _Come Sweet Death_, which, ironically, will be played during Third Impact, during the seriously dramatized retelling of this whole mess.

And so they played and played for hours and hours everyday, mastering the finer points of cord progression, rhythm, and twisting your hand into funny shapes for some of the nastier sections, and Rei nearly asphyxiating during an sixteenth note passage.

And so it went on. Misato was actually having quite a nice time listening to them, but Rei and Shinji were freaking out. What if they screwed up? They be dishonored (on no fewer than two planes) in front of the whole school.

It went on and on, and soon the day was at hand. Misato invited some friends, some NERV, some not, ("Oh, yeah, Misato, go ahead, add some more pressure!"). And I would jump right into that, if something more interesting was not going on in NERV.

---

Gendo was having a bad day. Oh well, at least his son turned out to be a chip off the old block. Damn, he needed someone to talk to. Feeling this urge, he reached into his drawer and pulled out the only thing he could confide in. His Sock Monkey.

Putting the sock on his hand, Gendo began to discuss the matter with it.

"Hello, Mr. Snuffles," he said, in his normal voice.

"Hello, Sir!" responded the Sock Monkey, high-pitched, cheery voice contributed by Gendo.

"What do you think of Project E, Mr. Snuffles?"

"I think we should rename it, sir!"

"Oh really? What should we rename it?"

"We should Project for Complementation of Human Instrumentality!"

Gendo chuckled. "You always were a silly monkey, Mr. Snuffles."

"But of course!" said Mr. Snuffles, in a poor French accent.

"Ah yes… but what to do about my son and Ayanami?"

"Tell Shinji that the relationship is incestuous!" said the sock monkey.

"But that's not true," pointed out Gendo, "Seeing who his real mother is, and all. Besides, that wouldn't get Ayanami off his back. Ritsuko would tell him the truth just to spite me, 'cuz she's a bitch. Besides, I find it comforting that my son is a chip off the old block."

"This could still play to our advantage, my most bodacious master," said Mr. Snuffles. "Third Child, plus First Child, equals Sixth Child!"

"That is true. You always give me the _best_ ideas, Mr. Snuffles." Gendo replaced the sock monkey in his drawer.

"Uh… Sir? Fuyutski stepped out the shadows.

Gendo looked up. "Fuyutski?"

"Were you just talking to a sock monkey, sir?"

A silence.

"If you tell anyone, I will feed you to Unit 01."

"Uh… yes sir."

Fuyutski left the room. Gendo steepled his fingers. Now all he had to do was take Rei off the pills and sabotage his son's condoms. Meanwhile, the readers' heads explode.

---

So, Rei and Shinji were playing in the concert, their sanity, image, and eternal souls on the line. As the previous instrumentalist (who, while human, bore no relation to Human Instrumentality) left the stage, Shinji and Rei came onto the stage, instruments in hand, and began to play. It was an excellent tune, and everyone, as part of the bet, admitted that Shinji and Rei were absolutely not having sex. The remorseful tune filled the auditorium, and all sat spellbound, staring at the two performers, but more were surprised by the fact Rei could actually do something beyond pilot, and that the flute never really struck them as her kind of instrument.

Just as they brought the song to its close, air raid sirens began to wail. Everyone sat in silence.

"Damn Angels," said Shinji.

---

"Yes… the 'Sixth Child' Project is looking good," said Gendo, looking at Ritsuko's plan. Fuyutski, Ritsuko, and Aoba stood before him, all competing for a massive bonus. "I've carefully considered all of your plans, and they are all quite good. Fuyutski, your plan may be the most likely to work – the gas-based aphrodisiac in the apartment, very clever – but it is rather hard to coordinate and time. Section 4 should not be spending more than four hours on this project! Aoba, your plan was just stupid. Seriously, frame them for a crime, put them in a cell together, and wait? But Ritsuko, your plan is both clever and simple: set up a dual-pilot entry plug test, then put aphrodisiacs in the LCL, so you get they 100,000 Yen bonus.

Aoba and Fuyutski cursed to themselves. Suddenly, an Air Raid Siren sounded.

"Well, duty calls… we'll continue this discussion later, Ritsuko.

What Angel is attacking this time? What are the details of Ritsuko's plot? Why has the humor suddenly became so rauchy? Type in next time to find out.


	39. Subtle VIII

**A/N:** And now! A special making-of documentary, featuring sound bites of the author at his computer!

"…I'm gonna need to work the words 'bitch slap' in there…"

**Subtle VIII**

"_Hey Jack, you better watch your back  
Here come those hamsters from a planet near mars  
Well, well, it's called the  
Attack of the radioactive hamsters From a planet near Mars  
A planet near Mars"_

"Wait a tick, this is the Sixth Child Project. What about the Fourth and Fifth?"

"Uh… whoops… looks like we'll need the Hat."

"Huh?"

"We choose the Children by drawing names out of a hat."

"But- but- isn't there all sorts of genetic profiling and stuff?"

"Yeah, but when we're done with that, we take the remaining names and draw them out of a hat."

"Uh…"

"I have the hat, sir."

"Let's see… Toji Suzehara, and… Nagisa Kaworu? Who the hell is that?"

"The Hat has spoken. Looks like we gotta track down this Kaworu kid."

---

The Angel was called Zeruel. Unlike his comrades, Zeruel was not particularly interesting look at, so I won't describe him, beyond his two tentacle/paper-cut deliverer tentacles. Units 00, 01, and 02 stood across the field from Zeruel, waiting for the opportunity.

A tentacle lashed forward, straight for Unit 02. Asuka jumped back, but was struck. Shinji fired his rife, but the bullets were useless. Rei seemed to have suddenly died in the entry plug. Unit 02 was being mutilated by the tentacles. It was up to Shinji.

Unit 01 put on a burst of speed, charging down towards Zeruel's body, and bitchslapped the Angel. Zeruel froze, and withdrew its tentacles slowly. Ever so slowly, like a man moving through quicksand.

"Haha!" said Asuka, a battered Unit 02 climbing to its feet. "I still have all my limbs!" A tentacle shot out and took off one of the red EVA's arms. "Damnit!"

Shinji soon found himself in a wild battle for survival. Unit 01 could deflect the tentacles, but damn it, they hurt! Evading a blow, he drew the prog knife and buried into Zeruel's front/chest. This generated absolutely no effect, and Shinji was thrown back. The Angel tore through his armor as if it were wet paper. The Eva's heart was exposed, and there was nothing Shinji could do.

Then, Rei woke up. Unit 00 exploded to life, sprinting into the frey. The next thing Shinji knew, Unit 00 had begun eating Zeruel, chewing through its metallic skin. The boy could only watch in horror from the debilitated Unit 01.

---

"Overkill, perhaps?" asked Misato, watching from the Bridge.

"Perhaps," said Ritsuko.

"As long as it is dead," said Gendo. "All Evas, return to base."

Unit 01 limped into base using a sign kindly donated by the local McDonalds as a crutch, as one of its legs had been broken. Shinji didn't know how Asuka could survive the pain of losing one of her Eva's limbs, but she also survived a fifteen story fall, so draw your own conclusions. Unit 00 was the only unit to emerge unscathed, beyond the rather considerable amount of blood splattered along it.

Rei was deadpan as usual as she climbed out the Entry Plug. Standing at the precipice of the Entry Plug's port, she looked out into the cage. What had possessed her to consume the Fourteenth Angel? She looked down at Unit 00. It was splattered with Red. The color she hated. Which would also explain her strong, off-and-on desire to throttle Sohryu.

"Rei." It was Commander Ikari. She looked down at him. Suddenly, she understood. "Rei, you have created a setback in the Instrumentality Project. Why?"

Rei abruptly died, probably to avoid answering the question.

---

"Hurry up, guys," said Misato, "Their testing some new system, and Ritsuko will have my head if you're late again."

Rei stepped out of her room fully dressed while Shinji stumbled out half asleep. Then, came a long, dull trip to base, into the locker room, into the plug suits. A few minutes later, Shinji and Rei found themselves in the same entry plug, unsuspecting that they would soon be involved in one of the most sadistic lemons ever implied (hey, you want to get me kicked off the site?).

Meanwhile…

"Alright," said Ritsuko, "Pumping chemical and… uh-oh."

"What?" asked Misato.

"Seems like Shinji's immune to the chemical. Oh well, looks like he's going to be the first boy raped by an albino Eva pilot with blue hair."

They watched the footage passively. "Well, Rei's out of the plug suit, that didn't take too long. And she's pulling Shinji out of his… man, I didn't realize you could get out of those without de-skin-tight-izing it."

More silence as the crew watched calmly. "Man, she's really making out with him… probably wants to make it last."

Ritsuko looked shifty-eyed. _Well, technically, this _might _turn her into a raging nymphomaniac, but that's not very likely_. _I hope_.

Expressions of shock covered the observers' faces. "Where did Rei learn about _that!_" demanded Ritsuko.

Misato looked sheepish. "I guess she found my erotica stash again." Ritsuko looked questioning, but passed no judgment.

"Shinji's expression is priceless," commented Misato, "It's like a combination of protest, disgust, shock, and desperately wanting it."

"Indeed."

More passive observation, and occasionally expressions of surprise at Rei's great range of sexual knowledge.

"Say, who's going to raise it?" asked Misato.

"I dunno. You, Rei, and Shinji, I suppose."

"WHAT!" demanded Misato. "That's just illogical, crappy writing."

Ritsuko shrugged. "What else do we do with it? Foster system's a wreck, and its not like we can support it like we did Rei."

"Why not?"

"Classified."

Misato looked at her, and shrugged. "I'll guess I'll have to start gathering the supplies. Say, what happens if Rei doesn't get preggers?"

"Uh… I dunno. We'll have to take it one step at a time."


	40. Subtle IX

**Subtle IX: Bringing Raunchy Humor to the Eva Fandom Since November**

Shinji quickly learned that Resistance was Futile. Somewhere along the line, Rei had turned into a raging nymphomaniac, and now he got no rest. Sprawled over the desk at school, he was glad that Rei had been called to NERV early for a battery of tests.

"Hey man, you look half dead," said Toji, suddenly. Shinji blinked awake, and found his two friends sitting next to him.

"Oh… hey guys," Shinji said, lacking the energy to even raise his head.

"Hard night?"

"You might say that." It was hard on no fewer than to planes.

"So… how's it going with you and Ayanami?" asked Kensuke.

"Uh… hard, like I said."

"Relationship troubles, eh?"

"Just the opposite." Shinji abruptly passed out.

"Wow," said Kensuke. "You didn't figure they went all the way?"

"Nah," said Toji, "Not after they went to such lengths to prove they didn't."

---

"Well, this wasn't _totally_ unexpected," said Ritsuko, watching a certain albino through a one way mirror. Rei was inside a padded room, clawing at the walls. "I mean, the one we cloned her from got one taste of sex and the _BOOM_, the whole human race is born."

"Yes," said Gendo. "It doesn't change the fact that SEELE is pissed."

"Hmm," muttered Ritsuko. Rei had almost punched through the one-foot steel door. "Maybe if we clone another one… Nah, it won't matter. This newfound sex drive is soul-based."

"Well, is she pregnant yet?" asked Gendo. Hopefully, there would be some good news.

"'Fraid not. It seems that Rei's status as a half-breed is getting in the way."

"Then we may have to activate Shinji's," the camera rushed for a closeup on Gendo as he raised a lone eyebrow, "_Ultimate Form_."

"Oh my god," said Maya, who no one realized was in the room, "He'll go Super Saiyan!"

Gendo and Ritsuko looked at her. "Ibuki, that's just _stupid_."

Ritsuko turned back to Gendo. "We'll need an excuse to activate Shinji's," the camera rushed in for a closeup on Ritsuko as she raised a lone eyebrow, "_Ultimate Form_."

Gendo was looking at the completion bar on a certain Jet Alone system being developed by a rogue nation. "We might just have that excuse."

"Which is…?"

"Send Shinji into a situation where he can't possibly win; he'll be so badly killed that the only way to save his soul will be to activate his," (say it with me) the camera rushed in for a closeup on Gendo as he raised a lone eyebrow, "_Ultimate Form_."

"I'm officially banning everyone from pulling that camera trick," said Maya, much to the readers' relief.

"Very well…" there was a silence. "Have we found the Kaworu kid yet?"

"No."

"Damn… looks like we'll need to call Asuka again."

"Come on! She's completely inept!"

"Actually, if you give her a mission and enough time, she'll get it done. Eventually. At the cost of many lives."

---

Asuka sidled down the street, dressed in a 'combat plug suit', an AK-47 slung over her shoulder. She knew that SEELE's base was around here somewhere. She'd been wandering around for a few hours now, finding and annihilating SEELE facilities in the hopes of finding Kaworu. This wasn't _exactly_ what the Master had in mind, but he said by any means necessary.

"Asuka, Asuka,

You're on a mission,

Asuka, Asuka,

It's time to go,

Asuka, Asuka,

It's time to whip some ass!

Asuka, Asuka,

Let'sssssss go!"

Asuka kicked down a door and ran inside. Several scientists were looking in on a chamber which contained the floating. "LET'S ROCK AND ROLL!" shouted Asuka, gun blazing. The unsuspecting SEELE scientists were mowed down by the dozen, and the guards faired little better. Sadly, the last thing most of them heard was a highly out-of-key rendition of the Song That Never Ends (it just goes on and on my friends), which Asuka cheerfully sang during the slaughter.

She threw herself at a steel door, putting a rather considerable dent in it. She threw herself at it again. An even more considerable dent.

Meanwhile, a lone survivor was watching from the control room.

"My god, she's going to penetrate into Tabris's chamber!" Asuka threw herself at the door one last time. It fell with a deafening crash.

Asuka felt like she'd entered some holy place, defiled by her chorus of the Song That Never Ends. Seriously, that thing kills holiness like antimatter negates matter. I wonder if it generates some sort of anti-holiness that negates holiness while releasing huge amounts of energy.

The red head walked up to the large glass tube that contained Nagisa Kaworu. An albino boy, with a friendly expression and curious eyes.

Asuka shattered the tank with the butt of her rifle, slung the startled Kaworu over her shoulder, and made off like a bat out of hell.

**MEANWHILE**

"This," said Chairman Keele, watching Asuka demolish the SEELE forces, "was _not_ in the scenario?"

"Oh, please," said another chairman, "That thing was shot to hell about five minutes after we finished it."


	41. In Other News

**In Other News**

Shinji Ikari, new arrival at Tokyo-3, walked along a brick wall, whistling a cheery tune. Toji and Kensuke walked on the ground below. Suddenly, a very strange girl walked past. She had blue hair, blank red eyes, and unnaturally pale skin. Barely taking notice of the three boys, she walked towards NERV.

"Who's that?" asked Shinji.

"Her? That's just old 'shifty-eyes' Ayanami."

Shinji stared at her back for a few minutes. "Did she inherit the name from a parent?"

"Nope. She doesn't look shifty-eyed right now, but you should see her when she's trying to steal something."

"Huh?"

"She's a kleptomaniac, you know. She gets off on stealing stuff. I hear she hates her job at NERV, so she loots the storage facilities and sells the stuff she gets."

A silence.

"I also heard she acts depressed so they'll give her lots of prescriptions, and she sells the drugs."

Rei the drug dealer. I'm not sure whether to laugh at the absurdity or cry at my own stupidity.


	42. Subtle X

**A/N:** And Kaworu becomes the scapegoat!

**Subtle X**

Nagisa Kaworu was placed before Gendo Ikari by a cheery Asuka. Still naked, still confused, the boy decided to wait for his captors to speak.

"My name is Gendo," said the older man, cheerily. "I am the leader of NERV, an ideological organization for making sure the world doesn't blow up. We are directly opposed to SEELE, who want the world to blow up, so they can collectively become god. That would suck for me, so I've resolved to stop them, by using giant cybernetic war robots to fend off aliens and, eventually, SEELE's mad 1337 army of d00m." This made Gendo Ikari the first person ever to speak in leet. "I'm not quite sure what the aliens have to do with anything."

"NERV only has four pilots so far, and one is looking to be unusable, so you've been called in to help us."

"Okay," said Kaworu, who was staring at Asuka.

There was a long silence.

"Right then!" said Gendo. "I'll just file the paperwork. And for god's sake, get him some clothes."

And so, Asuka led Kaworu, now wearing a plug suit, through the twisting corridors, showing him around. However, Kaworu paid little attention. He knew only one thing – he was in love!

**IN OTHER NEWS**

Shinji was sprawled over his school desk, fast asleep. Thankfully, a freak bureaucratic error had resulted in the faculty staff not being paid, and now they were on strike. Since said bureaucrats were bureaucrats, they forced the students to go to school anyway, so the whole learning process had been reduced to a lot of milling around.

"Man, he's beat," said Toji, passively.

"Indeed," said Kensuke.

Silence.

"You don't figure-"

"It's the only answer-"

They shook Shinji awake. "You went all the way with Rei!" the both accused.

"Yeah…" Shinji mumbled, before passing out again.

There was a stunned silence.

---


	43. Chapter 43

**A/N:** If you don't get the joke, reread the first chapter.

**Chapter 43**

Ayanami was not terribly literary, nor did she have a great grasp of the art of writing. However, one morning, she awoke and felt compelled to write. This is what she wrote:

_As the two walked along the desolate shore, the ruins of Tokyo-3 in the distance, Shinji was lost deep in thought. He was considering something that had struck him just this morning._

"_Asuka?"_

"_What, idiot?"_

"_How do we know that this isn't part of instrumentality?"_

"_Huh?"_

"_I mean, how can we know what's a delusion and what isn't? This entire world could be a creation of my mind, or yours."_

_There was a silence._

"_I never thought about that…"_

_They both mulled over the question for a few hours, before they mutually agreed never to raise the topic again._

Draw your own conculsions.


	44. Subtle XI

"There is good news!" shouted Shinji

"What!" demanded Asuka, desperately fighting the Angel.

"I just saved a bunch of money on my Eva insurance by switching to Geico!"

**Subtle XI**

The fact was, that Shinji was still asleep. Toji and Kensuke began to haul him out of the school, towards the Katsuragi household.

"Ugh… don't take me back," muttered Shinji, slung over Toji's shoulder.

"Eh?" Toji was confused.

"Rei… sex drive… no sleep…" He passed out again.

"Well, we knew they went all the way…" said Kensuke, pensively.

"Maybe he was raped!"

"Dude, a woman can't rape a man."

"I… uh…"

"We have to take him somewhere safe… like… eh…"

A loud speaker blared. "SHINJI IKARI, REI AYANMI, ASUKA LANGELY SOHRYU, REPORT TO NERV!"

---

Kaworu and Asuka, forever wearing her plug suit, were standing before Gendo Ikari, who was looking at a document. Well, that wasn't entirely fair, as Kaworu was watching Asuka, and blushing ever-so-slightly. I have heard rumors that Kaworu was in love with Gendo, and, while you can never be quite certain with this story, I'll say that Kaworu is in love with Asuka. Seriously.

Asuka, unfortunately, was oblivious to this, and began to talk. "Master, everything is going according to plan! Your _loyal_ Asuka has served you to the best of her considerable ability, and all is coming together!"

"Good, good," said Gendo. "I know that SEELE soon plans to strike. The attempt to activate Shinji's," (say it with me) the camera zoomed in for a closeup as he raised a lone eyebrow, "_Ultimate Form_ tipped them off."

"What about the Angels?" asked Kaworu.

"The Angels? Oh, they were coming to try and get Adam."

Kaworu was confused. "Who's Adam?"

"The First Angel, who started Second Impact."

"How?"

"Well, Adam's body was found in Antarctica, and then someone thought it would be a good idea to try and stick him with the Spork of Longinus."

"But wait. Where did Adam come from? And how is he useful?" asked Kaworu. Everyone stared at him.

Suddenly, a spinning black circle shot through the room, directly for Kaworu's head. It was sucking random objects into it, from lampshades to an unfortunate techie. Asuka tackled him, knocking him out of the way. The hole smashed through a window, and spiraled up out of the geofront.

"That," said Gendo, "was a plot hole."

"A what?"

"You see, God – Adam – is a sort of cosmic author, writing, or perhaps dreaming, the world into existence from where he sleeps. Unfortunately, no tale is perfect, and sometimes plot holes form. They ricochet across the universe, sucking things into them at random. Further, when we woke him up, a lot of stuff was undreamed, and the world was devastated."

"But how is he useful?"

"How do you think? With him at your command, you could dream _anything_ into existence. Necessary to this is the Spork of Longinus, which you two have to recover before it is eaten by such a plot hole."

"Yes sir! Your _loyal_ Asuka will do as you ask! She will cross the vastest desert, cut through the thickets jungle, and conquer cities and nations to recover your treasure! Charge!" Asuka shot out of the office like a bat out of hell.

Air raid sirens went off. "Well, duty calls. To the Evas!"

---

"_Azathoth_

_Azathoth_

_Azathoth, the King_

_Center of the Universe,_

_Insanity he brings, Hey!"_

Asuka was singing in the entry plug again, this time with an actual tune, unfortunately, she seemed to have gone on an HP Lovecraft binge.

"_Look, in the sky,_

_Stars now are right,_

_Way up on high,_

_They're in the sky,_

_They're in the ground,_

_They're in the sea,_

_Stars now are right…"_

Suddenly, the Angel sidled up out of nowhere. "My god," said Asuka, "It's Cthulhu!"

And sure enough it was. Lovecraft summed it up best:

If I say that my somewhat extravagant imagination yielded simultaneous pictures of an octopus, a dragon, and a human caricature, I shall not be unfaithful to the spirit of the thing. A pulpy, tentacled head surmounted a grotesque and scaly body with rudimentary wings... It represented a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural malignancy, was of a somewhat bloated corpulence...  
— H.P. Lovecraft, "The Call of Cthulhu"

The Great Old One lashed out with a tentacle, which Unit 01 dodged, firing a burst at the monster. Rei did likewise, and the creature jumped into the air, wings extended. Asuka pulled it down by a tentacle, and engaged in a frantic fistfight with the tentacle monster. Rei began to shoot at it as well, turning pieces of flesh into dust. The monster angrily swatted at Unit 02, knocking it aside. Then, it _almost_ became a tentacle rape hentai, but Shinji intervened in time to stab his prog knife into its core.

"When do I get a giant robot?" asked Kaworu.


	45. Subtle XII

**A/N:** It's official: my story has been compared to drug use more than three times. Groovy!

"Taking bets, taking bets on the Children's synch ratio!" said Mokato, holding out his hat.

"Twenty bucks on Asuka," said Maya.

"Thirty on Rei," said Aoba (Aoba and Mokato may or may not be the same person. Damn my bad memory!)

"Playin' it safe, I see," said Mokato.

"Fifty on Shinji," said Gendo. He hoped is son would come through for him.

**Subtle XII: Shinji's Sex Drive**

"I feel like crap," moaned Shinji, crawling out of the entry plug.

"I wish I felt like you," said Kaworu, wistfully.

**BUT THEN**

Rei burst in and carried Shinji off.

"Quick, hotshot, let's go!" and Asuka, leading Kaworu by the hand, rushed off in search of the Lance of Longinus.

Asuka led them to the edge of the city, where the jumped upon a NERV aircraft carrier.

"Lieutenant Sulu, Inexplicability Factor Ten!" said the captain, and off the ship went off, powered by the Inexplicability Drive.

_-_

Misato was jealous. How could Shinji, the forever-outraged pilot, be having lots of sex, and she not! Suddenly, Kaji burst in, who, through a sick yet twistedly appropriate twist of fate, had been cloned into the body of Austin Powers!

"Oh behave!" (cue Austin Powers theme)

-

Asuka and Kaworu were setting out for Antartica, and, hopefully, the Spork of Longinus. It is frozen inside of…

"It's just like Tokyo-Jupiter!"

A grand total of four people got the reference.

"Ensign Sulu, Obscure Reference Factor 10!"

"Aye, captain!"

They powered through the Jupiter Phenomenon and entered the bubble within. They soon found themselves facing one of the Dolems! It floated in the air, a strange, flat box shape, and began shooting (quotation fingers) 'lasers' (end quotation fingers).

Lots of people got that reference!

Unit 02 launched and began stabbing at the box-of-doom. Kaworu looked up. "I want a giant robot."

"You have one."

"Eh?"

"It's right there, in the cargo hold."

Kaworu looked up at where Asuka was getting her ass whipped. "I'M COMING, ASUKA!"

-

The ruined Dolem was lying nearby, and the duo-of-doom was attempting to find the Spork of Longinus. Kaworu scrutinized the orders.

"How about this!" said Asuka, lifting an object high over her head.

"No, that's the Dildo of Longinus."

"Damn."

-

**A/N:** I've been waiting for a chance to work that last joke in.


	46. Subtle XIII

"I pee standing up!" replied Rei, cheerily.

**Subtle XIII: OMG UNLUCKY**

"Well, this sucks," said Chairman Keel.

"Indeed."

"Who would have thought that Lilith would have turned into a sex fiend?"

"I dunno."

"Hmm. Desperate times, desperate measures. Call the JSSDF."

"K."

"And throw the Jet-Alone system in too."

"Yessirree."

-

"Well," began Shinji, eyes bloodshot, "I was thinking. Do you think I could get a restraining order on Ayanami? Sex is fun and all, but I'm going to die of exhaustion at this rate."

"Look deep inside of yourself, Shinji," replied Misato. "Would a piece of paper _really_ stop Rei?"

"Touché…"

"Hey, look everybody! It's Arael!"

"Quick, Shinji, to the NERV Cave!"

-

"It's a thingy!" said Asuka, "It's a thing that looks like that do-hickey in that weird anime they had on last night!"

"I remember that," said Kaworu, "the one with Angel's Deadly Thesis for a theme?"

"Yes! Yes! That was it."

"Those 'Rei's Revelation' sketches were funny."

"Asuka agrees, yes yes- ARGH ARGH!"

A glowing beam descended from the heavens, interfering in the all-dialogue chapter. It struck Unit 02 with a brilliant glowing blast. Kaworu cried out and returned fire, but his Death Ray's shots all missed.

"_Heheh… At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid… In heaven all the interesting people are missing…"_ Asuka burbled incoherently.

"Damn," said Ritsuko, "It's a Nietzsche Beam!"

"Eh?"

"It's a beam that causes people to randomly spit out Nietzsche quotes!"

"_When one has much to put into them, a day has a hundred pockets.__"_

_These people are idiots,_ thought Shinji, pointing his Death Ray up at the heavens and targeting the Angel, albeit unsuccessfully.

Rei descended to Terminal Dogma, and retrieved the Spork of Longinus. With a great throw, Arael was slain.

"Show-off," complained Shinji.

-

Asuka was drooling slightly, and staring at something at the wall. Kaworu was looking at her with an expression of worry, and Shinji was hiding from Rei. Gendo wondered when the Cosmic Author had gone mad.

"Well, let's see… killed the Angels, check..." he said, pulling out the Scenario.

"Wait a minute, we killed all the Angels?" asked Shinji, poking his head out of the janitor's closet.

"Well, technically yes, but-"

"PARTY!"

A disco ball descended from the ceiling as techno dance music began to play. The bridge began to groove.

"Groovy!" cried Kaji, and began to dance with Misato. Asuka continued to drool, staring absent-mindedly at the wall. The bridge bunnies (excuse me while I go find and kill whoever invented that name) held an orgy.

"These people are insane," muttered Fuyutski.

-

Rei paused at the typewriter. Of course, these people would freak if they knew she was really the Cosmic Author, not that strange thingy Gendo stuck in his hand. She considered ending the story arc right here, and go work on that FLCL crossover. But the ending… eh, she didn't like it. Rei started typing again.

-

**A/N:** Of course, little did Rei know, she herself was being written by another Cosmic Author! Wait a minute… that means I'm-

Type in next time!

"_Only sick music makes money today!_"

Asuka, shut up!


	47. Subtle XIV

"I wish we could have cup holders in the Entry Plug," quoth Shinji, climbing into the entry plug.

**Subtle XIV: It's Better Than LSD!**

"Well," said Gendo, "Let's give this another shot." Rei stood naked before the Cosmic Author (in Gendo's hand) and the giant super-eva, Lilith. Shinji stood next to her, also naked, not certain how this involved him. However, he did know one thing: his father was one crazy mofo.

The Spork of Longinus was being held with ease by Rei, despite that fact it was twice as large as her.

"In 2000, we screwed up," said Gendo. "But now, in 2015, the power of cosmic author shall soon be mine!" he said, pushing his hand through her chest as if her flesh were water. "Rei, do what you were created to do."

"Did I miss something?" asked Shinji.

Rei looked at the place where Gendo had touched her. Suddenly, Ritsuko burst in.

"I didn't expect you," said Gendo, seeing she had a gun.

"NOBODY EXPECTS RITSUKO AKAGI!" shouted Ritsuko. She shot and killed Gendo.

"Now, to put an end to his silly little game," she said turning the gun on Rei.

"_GOD IS DEAD_!" Asuka screamed (shattering glass for miles around), and tackled Ritsuko.

There was a silence as Akagi came to a gruesome end. Rei turned towards Shinji. "You will have to replace your father."

"Eh? As commander?"

"No. As catalyst for the Cosmic Editing."

"I don't understand."

"I know."

Suddenly, air raid sirens blared.

"One… last… Angel…" whispered Rei, into his ear. The albino was drawing closer. Something in her expression made Shinji know what was coming, but this time… it wouldn't be quite so… animalistic.

-

"Kaworu, it's up to you," said Misato.

"What about the other three?"

"Uh… Shinji and Rei are missing, Asuka's catatonic-"

"WHAT?"

"Nevermind. You've got to fight the Jet-Alone system and the JSSDF!"

Next minute, Kaworu was thrust into the entry plug and before the JSSDF and their Jet-Alone system.

-

Kaworu was being beaten. The JSSDF was being held off with the intercept systems, but it wouldn't work if the Jet-Alone system beat Kaworu.

"We're screwed," said Misato.

But then Kaworu jumped up and attacked the Jet-Alone. To everyone's great surprise he was-

"Oh my God!" shouted Maya. "He's beating it with the power of pure funk!"

Surely enough, Kaworu was fighting with the power of pure funk. He was so funkadelic that the Jet-Alone was overpowered by his sheer funkaliciousness, and was so overfunked that its own funkometer was blown out. In fact, the bridge crew had to shield its eyes from the sheer overwhelming funk, lest their own funk be absorbed into Kaworu's metafunk.

To this very day, no one knows what inspired Rei- _err_, me to write that.

-

"What is it?" asked Shinji. He was lying naked, arms entwined with Rei's. Before them stretched a monstrous black Evangelion.

"It is the super-Eva."

"It must have been painful when you pushed it out of your privates."

Five minutes previously, Rei had given birth to the thing with a great cacophony of screaming. I will leave you with that mental image for a few minutes.

Right.

"It was painful pushing it out a hole the size of a penny," Rei admitted.

"Yes… Now what?"

Rei disentangled herself from Shinji, and walked up to it.

"We must find a way inside," she said.

-

**A/N: **Will Seele be beaten? Will Kaworu continue the Funkathon? Will Asuka wake up? Type in next time!


	48. Subtle XV and Death Sentence I

**Subtle XV: Yes, It's that bad.**

Kaworu's funkadelic rampage continued, but he was getting tired. With sheer funky power (and chicken), he ripped the funkomatic straight out of the JSSDF tanks. With a hyperfunkic wave, he blew fighters out of the air. Chronofunk Records would later register at this event on the same level as the invention of the Funky Chicken.

Meanwhile, at JSSDF headquarters…

"The Superfunk is absorbing local population's psychofunk into his own!"

"Quick, deploy the counterfunk bomb!"

But it was to no avail. The bomb was swatted out of the air, and, in a last-ditch effort, SEELE sent in the MP Evas.

Kaworu was getting his ass kicked by MP Evas. Combined, these things had twice as much funk as he did! As they started ripping his Eva apart, something unexpected happened. Unit 02 emerged from NERV.

"Omigod! Asuka has missed something!" she charged forward, swinging a sword larger than her Eva. As the battle raged, something sutably bizarre was happening in NERV.

-

"So, what caused Asuka to wake up?" enquired Misato.

"No idea. I think her stupidity provides a cushioning against… well… anything."

"Ah. I see- MY GOD!"

"What?"

"Look, Shinji and Rei just did it in terminal dogma!"

"I'm sticking that footage in my private files."

-

Shinji was sitting in the pilots seat. Rei was behind him, her head perched on his shoulder, arms wound around his chest.

"So, what is going on exactly?" asked Shinji, as the super-eva climbed out of NERV.

"You will now trigger Cosmic Editing. You will fix the universe at the quantum level."

"Why?"

There was a pause.

"Shinji?"

"Yes?"

"That is just stupid."

Another pause.

"You will be God," explained Rei.

"Awesome."

They arrived at the surface, and found Asuka and Kaworu's robots scattered. The MP Evas (who now numbered seven) surrounded Shinji and Rei. Acting on instinct, he swung the super-evas arm out. A glowing beam cut the air and an MP Eva.

"WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?" demanded Shinji, mockingly. He leapt into the air and brought a fist down on another's head. He swung its leg and struck another, sending it flying. As he ripped them apart, Kaworu and Asuka played card outside the ruins of their respective Evas. Kaworu was losing, if you are interested... which you are clearly not... ok, put the knives down! I'll get on with the story.

As the last hostile Eva was sent flying away, Shinji began to rise into the air, propelled by what appeared to be a giant Rei-clone.

"I can see my house from here," he commented.

"Do what thou wilt," said Rei.

"Eh?"

"Do whatever you want. Change the universe as you please."

"NOBODY EXPECTS SEELE!" suddenly, a fresh group of white evas assaulted, right at the moment where they could screw something up. There was an earth rattling boom, and the world was rebuilt using a trainwreck of all the hopes and dreams of humanity. Which is unfortunate, as people can hope and dream of some pretty stupid things. At least they set up the next story arc! (idiots)

-

**The Death Sentence I**

Shinji Ikari looked at the letter dumbfounded.

Mr. Shinji Ikari,

Congratulations! You have been drafted into the **United Nations International Strategic Evangelion Corp!** In the corp, you will pilot a **giant lovecraftian monstrosity** against the **evil alien invaders and their lovecraftian monstrosities!** You have been assigned to an otherwise **all female** squadron, so if that isn't an insensitive, I don't know what is.

Please remember that an attempt to avoid the draft will result in **jail time, loss of citizenship, and being forced to pilot anyway!** Please do not try and evade me and the G-men when we come to take you to **Tokyo-3**.

Ominously,  
Major Misato Katsuragi,  
Tactical Commander

"Uncle," called Shinji, "I need to show you something..."

Shinji Ikari was a strange boy, as far as they went. Some called him Shinji, some called him Shin, some called him Ikari, but most knew him only as… The Dude. He was a mellow kid, who enjoyed his cello, chess, and arson (another story for another time).

Now, you're probably wondering what the UNISEC had to do with him. Well, over the last few months, kids from all over the world were being conscripted to fight the War of the Worlds. Yeah, that's right; HG Wells was more accurate than he knew. Anyway, kids lived in fear of being drafted, for piloting was almost a guarantee of madness, painful death, or both. Resistance, however, was futile.

So, Shinji was resigned to his fate when he, his cello, and his briefcase were waiting to be picked up by Misato Katsuragi. A blue car pulled up, containing the woman and two agents in the back seat. The two got out and roughly shoved Shinji into the back seat.

"Ow," muttered Shinji, rubbing his shoulder.

"No time for complaints," said Misato. Shinji noted the woman was very nervous, and was driving faster than was wholly safe.

"Umm…"

"You haven't gotten word yet, but a wave of alien tripods being backed by a giant thingy called 'Sachiel' is approaching Tokyo-3."

"Ah."

"And you'll have to pilot an Eva."

"Ah."

"Without training."

"I see."

"Aren't you the slightest bit worried?"

"Not really."

"Why?"

"I figure this job is a death sentence anyway."

-

_To  
__Be  
__CONTINUED!_


	49. Death Sentence II

**A/N:** BRING THE RANDOM.

**Death Sentence II**

Shinji heard the blast before he saw it. It was a mighty roar, like one would hear during a tsunami or thunderstorm, except to the forty-second power. It ripped through the ground, tore apart the buildings, and caused dozens of deaths. Luckily, Misato and her fellows were subjected only to an overturned car. They crawled out, leaving one agent dead. No worries, though, he was a robot.

"Damnit!" cursed Misato, kicking the car. There was a long silence as she paced about, trying to figure the next step. Or perhaps the next wheel. Ha! I do love these puns!

"A motorcycle is coming," said Shinji, pointing into the distance. Misato followed his gaze.

"No one should be out..." she murmurred, furrowing her brow. "Unless that's… HA! It is!"

The motorcycle skidded to a halt. Shinji stared, dumbfounded, as the driver leapt off. Shedding her goggles and helmet, she revealed herself to have bright, crimson eyes and messy blue hair.

"Wait a minute," said the readers, "This can't be right."

"Rei Ayanami, at your service!" the girl proclaimed, with a bow. She was quite short and slight, but was well-formed. Shinji continued to stare.

"You came in the nick of time, Rei," said Misato, triumphantly. "Quick, get Shinji to NERV! I'll be fine!"

Next thing Shinji knew, he was sitting on the motorcycle, arms wound under Rei's armpits. They were moving at several times the legal speed limit. Thankfully, no one was there to catch them. Shinji buried his head in Rei's back and tried not to be motion sick on her bomber jacket.

-

NERV is a vast, overcomplicated facility, but Rei knew it like the back of her hand. She led the bewildered young boy through the twisting hallways, until they finally found their way onto the command bridge. There was a lot of hustle and bustle there, leaving Shinji wondering if they used the rest of the complex at all.

"He's here!" proclaimed a lieutenant. Shinji was suddenly born up on the shoulders of countless NERV technicians, football-hero style.

"Well, that was random," said Rei, finally remembering to remove her goggles.

-

Sachiel's pilot enjoyed disco, and had it playing over the Angel's speakers. He was listening to a well known piece by Sir Mixalot. If you don't know what it is… well… I feel sorry for you. It's the best song ever.

Anyway, the pilot had a gift for the humans, and they were going to receive whether they liked it or not. What better place to deliver it then a retractable city? Well, not necessarily _better_, but the novelty factor was there. Anyway, with seven strong tripods at his back, what could possibly go wrong?

Suddenly, he saw something over the next hill. It was a giant, purple monster. He'd heard about the humans deploying these thingies around the world. Jumping forward, he began a furious beat down on the human abomination. He threw it here and there, and, in the end, it was easily destroyed. Wiping his hands, the pilot turned Sachiel to deliver the gift to the humans. Then, something went horribly wrong. The thing wasn't dead, but returned with a bloodlust rivaled on by Azrael's, and she _was_ the angel of death.

Crap. And he'd never even gotten close to delivering the gift.

-


	50. The Biggest Goddamn Eva in Osaka

**A/N:** To the tune of "Weird Al" Yankovic's _The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota_.

_The Biggest Goddamn Eva in Osaka_

Well, I had two weeks of vacation time coming

After working all year down at Gendo's NERV Defenses,

So one night when my family and I were gathered 'round the dinner table

I said, "Children, you could go anywhere in this great big world, now,

Where'd you like to go ta?"

They said, "'Sato, we wanna see the biggest goddamn Eva in Osaka,"

They picked the biggest goddamn Eva in Osaka

So the very next day we loaded up the car

With potato skins and instant ramen,

Sudoku Puzzles, Freaky Manga, and Shinji's homemade ramen pie

Pulled out of the driveway and the neighbors, they all waved good-bye

And so began our three day journey

We picked up a guy holding a sign that said "Eva or bust,"

He smelled real bad and he said his name was Kaworu.

I put in a JPop tape, Shinji put on a brand new angst set,

Children were in the back seat jumping up and down,

yelling "Are we there yet?"

And all of us were joined together in one common thought

As we rolled down the long and winding interstate in our '53 DeSoto

We're gonna see the biggest goddamn Eva in Osaka,

We're headin' for the biggest goddamn Eva in Osaka!

Oh, we couldn't wait to get there

So we drove straight through for three whole days and nights

Of course, we stopped for more instant ramen now and then

The scenery was just so pretty, boy I wish the Children coulda' seen it,

But you can't see out of the side of the car

Because the windows are completely covered

With the decals of all the places where we've already been.

There's Angel-O-Rama, the SEELE Museum,

The Sachiel Monument, and Cranberry World,

The LCL Hall of Fame, Unit One Rock,

And The Mecca of Angsty Squirrels

We've been to ghost towns, theme parks, wax museums,

And a place where you can drive through the middle of a cores,

We've seen Nephillium farms and tarantula ranches,

But there's still one thing we gotta see.

Well, we crossed the state line about 6:39

And we saw a sign that said "Eva exit - 50 miles"

Oh, the kids were so happy the started singing

"99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall" for the 27th time that day

So, we pulled off the road at the last chance gas station

Got some more ramen and a diet chocolate soda

On our way to see the biggest goddamn Eva in Osaka

We're gonna see the biggest goddamn Eva in Osaka!

Finally, at 7:37 early Wednesday evening as the sun was setting

in the Osaka sky

Out in the distance, on the horizon, it appeared to me like a vision

before my unbelieving eyes,

I parked the car and walked with awe-filled reverence towards that

glorious huge metallic thing,

I was just so overwhelmed by its sheer imensity,

I had to pop myself a beer

Yes, on these hallowed grounds, open ten to eight on weekdays,

in a little shrine under a make-shift pagoda,

There sits the biggest goddamn Eva in Osaka,

I tell you, it's the biggest goddamn Eva in Osaka!

Oh, what on earth would make a man decide to do that kind of thing?

Oh, weldin' up twenty-one thousand, one hundred forty pounds of steel,

What was he trying to prove, who was he trying to impress?

Why did he build it, how did he do, it was anybody's guess!

Where did he get the soul, what was goin' through his mind?

Did it just seem like a good idea at the time?

Well, we walked up beside it and I warned the kids

"Now, you better not touch it, that cage is there for a reason"

I said, "Maybe if you're good, I'll tie it to the back of our car

and we can take it home", but I was only teasin',

Then we went to the gift shop and stood in line

Bought a souvineer miniature Eva 02, some window decals,

and anything else they'd sell us

And we bought a couple post cards, "Greetings from the Eva,

wish you were here"

Won't the folks back home be jealous.

I gave our camera to Kaworu and we stood by the ball and we all gathered 'round and said, "Cheese"

Then Kaworu ran away with my brand new Insti-Matic,

but at least we got our memories

Then we all just stared at the ball for a while and my eyes got moist,

but I said with a smile, "Kids, this here's what NERV is all about"

Then I started feelin' kinda gooey inside and I fell on my knees

and I cried and cried

And that's when those security guards threw us out

You know, I bet if we activated that sucker,

It'd rampage all the way up to North Dakota,

'Cause it's the biggest goddamn Eva in Osaka

I'm talkin' 'bout the biggest goddamn Eva in Osaka!

Well, we stayed that night at the GEHRIN Inn

In the morning we were on our way home again

But we really didn't want to leave, that was perfectly clear

I said, "Folks, I can tell you're all sad to go"

Then I winked my eye and I said, "You know, I got a funny kind of feelin'

we'll be comin' back again next year"

'Cause I've been all around this great big world

And I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather go ta

Than the biggest goddamn Eva in Osaka!

I said the biggest goddamn Eva in Osaka!

Osaka,

Osaka,

OOOOOSSSSSSAAAAAAAKKKKKAAAAAA!


	51. Death Sentence III

Rei struck the last chord of _The_ _Biggest Goddamn Eva in Osaka_.

"That's quite nice," said Shinji.

OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?

**Death Sentence III**

Shinji Ikari was sitting on an ancient brick wall, staring absently at the ground. Piloting the purple thing was not fun. In the distance, he heard NERV's command staff celebrating.

"Hey-ho, the Angel's dead, the Angel's dead, hay-ho the wicked Angel's dead!" they sang, drunkenly. Shinji continued to look at the ground, dully.

"Why the long face?" asked a familiar voice. Shinji looked to his right and saw Rei sitting on the wall, goggles pushed up on her forehead.

"I dunno. I just feel like crap after piloting that thing."

"Dude, you better get used to it. I've been piloting one of those thingies since I was four."

"Really? There's another one?"

Rei stared at him. "Of all the things you could have said, you could have at least said something sympathetic."

"Sorry."

"Good enough. Anyway, there are s'posed to be three, but mine is in the shop and the other is somewhere in Germany."

"Ah. Where do they come from?"

"Hot Karl's One-Stop Eva-Shop."

"Oh."

-

Shinji was walking to NERV. This was the sad state of affairs, because Misato's car was so thoroughly busted up that she couldn't drive him, and had somehow managed to injure herself on the way to NERV, which meant she got to take two weeks' of sick time, which meant she couldn't drive Shinji to work, which meant the great Eva pilot was reduced to walking there.

Get all that? Good.

Anyway, Shinji was walking to NERV, when he heard the familiar roar of a motorcycle. Looking over his shoulder, he saw a potential ride, and raised his thumb.

The bike skidded to a halt. Shinji was not sure that he liked the quality or Rei's driving, but it had to better than walking ten-odd miles to NERV.

How wrong he was.

-

Swerving to avoid the cars, Rei began to talk over the roar of the engine.

"I always wondered why NERV only uses six rooms out of the thousand plus in the facility… Well, they use three; The Commandant _has_ to have three separate 'dark chambers' for his plans…"

"Wait, who is The Commandant?"

"He's the… well… YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS! He calls all the shots, you know? He's the leader."

"Oh. What's his name?"

She paused and looked pensive for a few moments, startling Shinji as she took her eyes off the road.

"We just call him The Commandant." She shrugged.

Finally, the bike's sickening journey ended with a screech of brakes. The NERV facility stretched out before them.

"I thought fighting the Angels would be my means of execution. You might be a better one."

-

Shinji and Rei were walking tight-rope on an ancient brick wall. There was an abandoned factory in the distance, and lots of sharp metal on the ground. Hence the necessity for walking on the brick wall.

"Shinji?"

"Yes?"

"If anything or anyone comes out of your forehead, tell me, k?"

"Uh… sure."

It's was that moment than an Angel emerged from Shinji's forehead.

**A/N:** Cliffie, lol!

I just looked at my reviews, and I have to say… This is a special day. I've officially managed to rot someone's brain.


	52. Death Sentence IV

**Death Sentence III**

Shinji pondered the strange world he had entered as he was driven home by Misato. The woman was not necessarily as dangerous an escort as Rei, but it was a close race. In aOlympiccopetition, Rei would get a9 while Misato would get an 8.5.Finally, after much vehicular carnage, they returned to the apartment. As they climbed up, Misato remarked, "Rei really doesn't get paid enough…" She tried to make it sound as if it was idle conversation, but the tactician had trouble doing that sort of thing.

"Oh really?" Shinji asked, suspiciously. Then, the door swung wide.

Rei was inside, idly dusting a vase. Shinji turned on Misato accusingly.

She looked nervous and defensive. "Eheheh, you see, Rei's apartment was condemned, and she only lived in 'cuz she wasn't paid enough to get a better one, and now that she can't live in it, I offered her a room if she did some cleaning work."

"Cleaning work? She's a human wrecking ball!"

"Hey! I am _not_ human!"

There was a pause. Rei realized her blunder and quickly used her guitar to wipe everyone's memories, setting the situation back to as it was in the quote-before-last.

"Cleaning work? She's a human wrecking ball!"

"Hey! I do _not_ have balls!"

"It's nothing to worry about. She can be quite adroit when she wants to be."

Rei drove the point home by collecting beer cans, and two tins of spam. She acted as if the spam was burning her skin.

"Alright, she can stay..." moaned Shinji, wondering whether he would still be alive in the morning.

-

The next morning, nothing interesting happened. Then, something – or more specifically, someone - came through Shinji's forehead.

"Push Shinji, push!" cried Rei, who kneeled by Shinji's side as the person came through. It was quite an agonizing procedure, but, finally, after many hours, the transfer was complete. Lying unconscious was a crudely dressed redhead girl, soaked in a greenish liquid. Misato kneeled down and tasted some.

"Cranial fluids," she said wisely.

"Come on now! Come on now! That is _uncalled for_! Ewwwww, that's just nasty. Oh, good God…" a reader moaned.

"And maybe some urine, too…"

Incoherent screaming from the readership.

"Right, so that's enough of that," said Rei. "We need to find out who she is, and get an Eva for her."

"Right. Wait a tick, how do you know she's an Eva pilot?"

Rei just smiled knowingly. Nobody knew she had a copy of the Script.

-

Shinji listened to the novelty music playing in his SDAT.

"_It's the attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near mars!"_

Ah, how he loved his novelty music. It was right that moment that Rei opened the door and flopped down the bed. Shinji ignored this, right up until the point where his brain processed this information; the total time being about 4.9 seconds.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? THIS IS MY ROOM!"

"The other room's taken by Misato," said Rei. "Now lemme go to sleep."

"But we can't sleep together!"

"Says who? Conventional social codes?"

"Yes, that's who!"

"To bad. They won't be around for much longer."

And, with that cryptic remark, she drifted off to sleep. Shinji was stuck with her.


	53. Death Sentence V

**A/N:** Observations is a story about reality – the idea being that you can never quite be sure what's real and what isn't. The human brain and senses bias you, as such; your perception of reality could be infinitely different from what it actually is. This is displayed by the stories tendency for folding in on itself, and how it leaps from one story arc to another. All arcs, however, are connected, even if an arc is just a work of fiction in another arc, and so on.

Just a thought.

**Death Sentence V**

"HAIL THE COMMANDANT!" Ritsuko and Misato simultaneously proclaimed, arms raised stiffly over their heads. The Commandant sat with his before them, completely concealed behind his high-backed leather chair. He spoke with an unnaturally deep voice.

"We have advanced the Script far, agents Akagi and Katsuragi, but there is still much to be done. We have the power to weaponize it, but insufficient angst. To this end, the next angel must create extreme angst."

"Yes, commandant! The next angel will be thoroughly destructive, and render Shinji angst-ridden!" Akagi proclaimed, and hurried out the door. Misato followed.

-

"We still have no idea who she is or why she came through Shinji's forehead," remarked Rei, who was in a nurse's uniform. She was a multitasker, and, frankly, she needed cash.

"Run a search through the international database," said Ritsuko. Rei's fingers flew across the keys, and, sure enough, the archive turned up a record. A criminal record.

"Wow," said Rei, "Multiple counts of arson. It seems Shinji inadvertently broke her out of Juvie Hall… or the German equivalent thereof."

"Yeah yeah, how long can we keep it hidden until the German Eva gets here?"

Rei turned in her chair and looked meaningfully at Ritsuko. "We're NERV. We're part of UNISEC. That means we're a !#$ING SECRET AGENCY! I THINK WE CAN HANDLE THIS."

"Whatever. Just make sure that the Germans don't find out."

-

Shinji sat on the couch, watching TV. Rei idly dusted a bookshelf. The doorbell rang, and Shinji got a delivery: a bunk bed. His old bed was dissembled and sold; the new one was assembled in his bedroom. At last, he would be free of Rei trying to rape him in her sleep. ('sleep-rape' is a documented phenomenon)

It was later that day that Misato came home. She had a new roommate for them, and her name was Asuka. Asuka was an odd one, the sort of person who would have _Highway to Hell_ as their theme song if this were animated. She had a permanently lost expression, wandering around the apartment, and would stare intently at the steam rising as Shinji cooked dinner (fun fact: tired fingers accidentally typed that as 'cocked dinner').

Asuka also seemed to be obsessed with rice, and would neatly pile the rest of the food to one corner of her plate and greedily consume the fruit. Vegetable. Whatever it is. Shinji was baffled by this activity, and keep in mind that Feudal Japan used rice as money.

Asuka then went out onto the porch, and left the people inside to their own devices. This amounted to watching TV, and Rei plucking away at her guitar. Finally, they went to sleep. Shinji took the top bunk, Rei took the bottom, and all was well in the world. Until Asuka came in mere minutes later, that is. Shortly after the redhead's arrival, Rei climbed to the talk bunk.

"Hey!" Shinji whispered harshly, "Get down!"

"I'm not going back there," said Rei, crossly. "Asuka smells like cigarettes."

-

"Pwnt," remarked Fuyutski.

-

Shinji had an undelightful time nearly being raped by a sleepwalker (this wasn't good for his selfesteem), but maintained his virginity through judicious use of the 'pillow wall' technique. The next morning, he woke up feeling addled and nervous. In Rei's defense, Asuka did smell like cigarettes.


	54. Death Sentence VI

**A/N:** A tip of the hat to 'Hamstadini'. Rice is, indeed, a grain.

**Death Sentence VI**

Asuka Langley Sorhyu was one of those people who found strange things intriguing. Say, fire. And it was this compulsion towards arson that set things off in an entirely different direction than they would have gone, had she not been interested in fire.

For it was at the exact moment that Shinji was being driven by Rei to school that Asuka was leaving the school. The redhead absently tossed a cigarette butt through the door and made for the hills. The gasoline she had lined the halls with erupted into flame, and another link in the chain of causality was forged.

Rei arrived just in time to see the fire department evacuating the students. She stared at the flames. Shinji did too.

"You got lucky, Shin-Shin," remarked Rei, "I had to actually go through school."

Suddenly, the air raid sirens began to wail – it was Shamshel!

-

The motorcycle cut through the evacuated streets. Tanks rolled into position to oppose the alien Tripods. Shamshel's whips cut through the city. Rei cut through an alley to evade a collapsing building. There was a lot of cutting in general.

"Just in case we die," said Rei, "Rice is a grain!"

Shinji was too terrified to even find out what she was talking about. He tried desperately not to wet himself. As they took a secret passage, Rei's motorcycle skidded to a halt.

"I'll hold her," she said, drawing a guitar, "Just go!"

-

Shinji took the lift down. An angel couldn't exactly fit down here, so why Rei didn't follow was a mystery to him. Suddenly, a blast rocked the complex – damn, the Angel was coming.

The lift dropped him off at the bottom floor. The bridge technicians quickly picked him up and bore him towards the entry plug.

-

Shamshel would deliver this gift, dammit! And get them back for Sachiel, too… As rap music blared over the Angel's sound system, Shamshel's pilot vowed revenge and, simultaneously, bust a move.

What was this? A lone girl armed with a guitar… but that hair… no… that couldn't be right…

"Traitor," whispered Shamshel's pilot. The gift could wait; this bitch had to die. But suddenly, the girl seemed to be everywhere at once, swinging with her guitar.

Suddenly, the Purple Thing arrived. Big and monstrous, it started beating up on poor Shamshel. However, Shamshel's ribbons gave it something to think about! As the battle raged, Rei ran up the side of the monster and slammed her guitar down on the Angel's core.

There was a violent explosion, and that was that.

-

Shinji woke up in the hospital. He _hated_ unfamiliar ceilings. They were just… so… _unfamiliar_? You know? Like… like… eh… When he first came to NERV. Except, in that instance, the floors and walls were unfamiliar as well.

Shinji looked around at the walls. On one hung MC Escher's famed _Relativity_. He wished he could travel on those stares…

Misato entered. She had to admit, she felt a little guilty about getting the poor kid into this mess… So she brought some AC/DC to cheer him up. Of course, this was actually a subtle form of revenge, so Misato is deep and complex. Really.

Recently, Shinji and Misato had a little debate about AC/DC. Shinji said they should be classified as heavy metal, by reason of suck. Misato said this was unfair, as they produced two good songs, as opposed to no good songs, so they were hard rock.

As the fight escalated, Rei came in as a hardcore AC/DC fan, and soon they resolved to have a 'prank war' for it. I feel compelled to jump in and say that AC/DC is technically hard rock because their songs have something a recognizable as a melody.

Shinji resolved to retaliate, once he got home. _Banana Phone_, baby!

Upon arrival home, though, Shinji noticed someone was missing. Rei. He was about to ask Misato, but she had already retreated into her room. Confused, Shinji asked Asuka.

"Look at the letter, Ta-kun," she said. She was pointing to a half-written letter on Misato's desk. Shinji needed only to read the send address:

To Mr. and Mrs. Ayanami.

And he immediately knew what the letter was about.

-

Shinji climbed down from his bunk, alone. Asuka was still fast asleep, and Shinji was alone. Misato slept, the redhead slept… Rei was the only one who got up early like he did. She also prepared his lunch, so he had to do that himself as well.

And so he left with Asuka. She spent a lot of her time in silence, lost in thoughts all her own. And so they went down to the bridge, skipping school. Asuka sat next to him, pensive.

"Ta-kun, why is the sky blue?" she asked, pensively.

"It's a reflection of the ocean." Shinji wished that she would leave him in his own thoughts for a while.

"Ta-kun, why is fire red?"

"I don't know."

"If there was enough fire, would the sky be red, too?"

"I suppose."

She then fell silent. Shinji resolved to get something to drink. However, Asuka beat him to it.

"I told you I didn't like the sweet kind," said Shinji, crossly. They headed off down Main Street, heads bowed in exactly the same position. Of course, Asuka had been at this for some time, and so won the bowed-head contest.

Shinji then ate at the mall food court. Asuka seemed to have an obsession with hot curry; this was actually quite in character. Shinji liked cooler foods, so he just ate deli sandwiches. Angst-ridden and sad, he went home.

-

The Commandant sat in his high-backed chair, facing away from his two agents. Ritsuko and Misato looked apprehensive.

"Excellent, all is going according to plan," said the Commandant, with his twistedly deep voice. "Soon, soon the angst factor will be high enough…"


	55. Death Sentence VII

**A/N:** If you didn't quite understand, the letter on Misato's desk was to Rei's parents, to inform them of Rei being killed in action.

Written while listening to _Moskau_.

_I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by._

_- Douglas Adams_

**Death Sentence VII**

And so, the Cosmic Author's maniacal plot to drive the reviewers insane continued.

Shinji was thoroughly angsty by the point, and played sad piano music on his SDAT as opposed to is usual "Weird Al" Yankovic songs. Sometimes, he wondered if his life was just an anime some sadistic, depressed man was drawing. Then, he quickly discarded the idea. He was obviously being typed a sadistic, depressed fellow of indeterminate gender.

Suddenly, Asuka entered the room. Shinji didn't care for Asuka any more than he cared for the rest of NERV, and so ignored her until she climbed up onto his bunk. He shifted uncomfortably when he realized she was naked.

"Eh… Asuka?"

"Yes, Ta-kun?" she said, sleeping without covers. She was always warm, for some ungodly reason. In fact, it was so ungodly that it was satanic; nay, it was of Cthulhu! Indeed, the great Tulu fed her heat, and in return she would sing doom for all mankind! DOOM!

"Why are you up here?"

She rolled over to face him. "I wanted to help you."

"How?"

"Replacing her."

"Who?"

"Ayanami."

There was a silence. Shinji, who oft complained about the overabundance of air conditioning in NERV, kept the arsonist with him. Even for the angsty, hypothermia is not fun.

-

And so, the days dragged on… Rei had made life interesting; things were awful dull without Martians-angels-tripods whatevers to liven things up. Even Asuka couldn't cheer him up with her Edward Gorey books. ("I like Edward Gorey…" "Yes, but the clinically depressed don't!")

Shinji and Asuka walked to school together (ok, they _evaded_ school together), but she didn't fill in the gap in Shinji's heart. Shinji didn't stop to think this might be indicative of other feelings regarding Rei, because Shinji is, well, Shinji.

As they trekked to school, Asuka was absently wondered what she could to do help. She might not be in the best mental health herself, but could tell when someone needed help.

"Ta-kun, where should we go?" she asked, after another uneventful day of skipping school.

"Wherever," he said, quietly.

She looked at him sidelong. "Why are you sad, Ta-kun?"

"I miss Rei."

"But-"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Can I help?" Shinji deliberated for a few moments.

"Naw."

Asuka looked pensive. Now, they were standing by a river. She sat down, took off her shoes, and submerged her feet. Shinji sat down cross-legged by her side, looking into the water, distantly.

They spent the rest of the day, wandering in a dazed state. Finally, they came home. Shinji went to his room after picking at his food. Misato was visibly worried.

"I'm worried," she said, talking over the phone.

But Ritsuko wasn't worried.

"I'm not worried," Rits said.

Misato wanted to know how Ritsuko was so sure.

"I want the narrator to stop saying our dialogue before we do," said Misato.

Eheh, sorry.

"Right, so how are you so sure Shinji will be ok?" asked Misato.

"Trust me, we wouldn't have used this plan if it would have driven Shinji insane."

-


	56. Death Sentence VIII

**A/N:** I felt the urge to reply to Sailor Star Dust's review: Whatever tied Excel Saga together at the end, it certainly wasn't a plot.

**Death Sentence VIII**

Shinji's head was resting against the table. Asuka was peering at him sidelong, while Misato and Ritsuko debated whether the 'time was right'.

"The Commandant would have known what to do," hissed Ritsuko.

"He isn't here," countered Misato, "We'll just have to wing it."

"If there isn't enough angst…"

"Yeah, yeah," said Misato, "If there isn't enough angst, we'll probably die. If we don't have any angst, we will die."

"Touché…"

Ritsuko walked up behind Shinji, and tapped him on the shoulder. He got up slowly, only to have a large, blunt object come and hit him in the forehead. Rits' and 'Sato quickly gathered up the KO'd boy and bore him away to the operating room.

-

"Wow, look at all that angst!"

-

By the time Shinji woke up, the angst had completely regenerated. He went into work with Asuka, and found that a strange black sludge had completely covered his Evangelion. It was rapidly congealing.

"Why has a strange black sludge covered my Evangelion?"

Misato explained.

"I'll explain. We're making armor out of your pure, concentrated angst."

Shinji was nonplused.

"I thought you told the narrator to stop saying what we are about to say thing."

Sorry.

"Anyway, it's nothing to worry about; it's just armor. Angst is the toughest stuff in the Universe, you know."

Shinji sighed and went in for synch test. The Eva didn't handle any different… it just had angst-armor. Shinji took it for a spin around the massive underground training facility. When he left, he was told that Misato had been called off on an emergency.

_**Meanwhile…**_

A helicopter cut through the air. It cut the air on no fewer than two planes: rotary motion from the propeller and horizontal motion from the actual moving. One could also argue that that 'two _planes_' bit is a pun. In the distance, the carrier _Over the Fartbow_ loomed.

Misato and Asuka were in the chopper, hurrying to the aid of the fleet below. It was a well-known fact that competency did not equal reward in the UN Consolidated Fleet, and in hindsight, using them to transport the Eva was not a particularly intelligent move.

In a Bond-like sequence… wait, what would that be? Flemmingonian? Bondian?" Damn you, spellchecker!

Anyway, they performed an epic leap from the chopper and landed on waiting trampolines, spinning into the air and landing with a flourish. Various soldiers held up ten signs.

The admiral hurried up to Misato and Asuka. "Quickly, you sexy thangs," he said, in a rather gay voice, "The Angels are just messing _everything_ up! Look at my military tutu!" He showed them a ripped, dark-green tutu.

There was a long pause.

"Just show us to the Eva."

The man hurriedly did so, leading them into the hanger bay. They were keeping Unit 02 in a giant bathtub, filled with roses. Misato stared, dumbfounded, but Asuka simply climbed in. She was launched into the sea, and demonstrated a magnificent backstroke.

Suddenly, the Angel came. It resembled a large fedora, and was piloted by Uriel, the Angel of the Kid in the Fedora, who shows up in every high school movie. (Though there are a lot of things that show up in every high school movie)

While Asuka was fighting this thing, Shinji was wrestling with the prospect of suicide.

"No," he decided, "That's much too dark for this fic."

So, instead, he walked into the kitchen and –

"REI!" Shinji shouted. "WHAT ARE YOU- HOW-"

"Hey Shinji," she said. Was that seductiveness Shinji heard in her voice?

"But- I thought you were dead!" Shinji cried. "Where have you been?"

"On vacation," she said, innocently.

Shinji stared at her for a while, then sat down at the table and joined her eating ramen.

"Where'd you go?" he asked, after a long pause.

"Hawaii."

"Was it nice?"

"Yep."

-

_To_

_Be_

_CONTINUED!_

Will Asuka defeat the next Angel? (Of course) Will Shinji discover his true feelings for Rei? (Probably not) What happened to the Angel at the end of **Death Sentence II**? (Sucked through a plot hole)

Type in next time!


	57. Death Sentence IX

**Death Sentence IX**

_And thusly and foresoothly, the vile Angel of Fedoras was slainith by the noble knight Asuka Langley Sohryu, and forevermore it was, befittingly, worn as a hat upon Unit 02's head._

-

Misato and Ritsuko stood behind the Commandant's chair, looking apprehensive.

"The angst is sufficient," came the dark, unnaturally low voice of the Commandant, "but still much more is required."

"Everything will go according to plan!" said Ritsuko, "Soon, we shall awaken Shinji's," the camera zoomed in as she raised a lone eyebrow, "Ultimate Form."

-

They had finished rebuilding the school, and, so, the children were subjected to more than their daily recommended amount of bullshit. However, Shinji was surprised when he saw Rei, who was nineteen and easily a head taller than him, sidle into the classroom.

"Rei?" he asked.

She glanced at him. "Ok, so I faked some documents to get out of high school. It's no reason to send me back, right?"

There was a long pause. "I… guess not." Shinji didn't necessarily agree with this sentiment, but Rei was not one to cross.

"I thought you would see it my way." Rei took a window seat and put her booted feet up on the desk.

Shinji sighed and took his usual seat. As the teacher began to speak, he promptly pulled up the space invaders game on his PC and took another shot at beating the class Otaku's high score.

Shinji also tried to ignore the class lovebirds, Toji and Hikari. Technically, Hikari was supposed to keep people from losing interest in the class, but for now, she only had eyes for Toji. As a result, grades went to hell and pregnancies occurred, but the UNISEC needs more cannon fodder anyway.

Anyway, Shinji generally tried to ignore them, since they spent most of their time making out, because it reminded him that Rei seemed to have zero interest in him. Of course, Shinji only _subconsciously _knew this; consciously he just got embarrassed really easily.

The class rolled by, and soon Shinji was packing up his things and making his way towards science class. However, before he could escape, Hikari approached him.

"Hey Shinji," she said, coolly. She was up to something.

"Yes…?" replied Shinji, warily.

"Toji and I got tickets to that new romance film opening this week, and reservations at the fancy… we were planning on going on a double date, but our other two friends had to cancel… You and Asuka want to come?"

Shinji was baffled.

"I'm just going to nip this one in the bud and demand that the narrator stop preempting everything we say."

Sorry. Returning to your regularly scheduled dialogue…

"Why Asuka and me?"

"Well… you're always together…"

Shinji turned a little pink. "It's not like that. She's just a friend… who happens to live with me… and slept with me once…"

There was a pause.

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiight… Anyway, would you like to get a date and come with us?" Hikari asked. Shinji glanced at Asuka, then at Toji. He had to confess, he was a little afraid of Toji. He figured it would be best to ask Asuka; a free meal couldn't hurt that much. He said he would ask Asuka and headed into class

Shinji approached Asuka warily. The class was studying fire, so, naturally, she was in a volatile state. At present, the redhead was staring at a match she had just lit.

"Hey Asuka," said Shinji, calmly.

"Hello, Ta-kun."

Shinji had yet to figure out why she called him that.

"Uh, Asuka… Hikari and Toji were planning on a double date, but the two people they planned to go with canceled… uh… would you like to go with them and me?"

Asuka stared at him for a few moments. At first, he thought she had not understood; the last sentence he had said had, perhaps, the worst construction of any sentence ever (except for this one).

"Ok, Ta-kun," she said, flatly, then returned to her match. Shinji was startled; he thought Asuka would turn him down for sure. She never struck him as particularly romantic.

**_LATER THAT NIGHT…_** (/deep narrator voice)

Misato and Shinji were watching TV, Asuka was out on the balcony, and Rei was, as usual, dusting something while watching TV.

"Uh… Misato?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you know anything about dates?"

"It's May 28th, Shinji…"

"No… like… romantic dates…"

The reaction was instant and startling.

"Oh god," said Misato, "My little Shinji is going on a date…"

Rei found it immensely funny, yet slightly offensive. "How the hell does he get all the action?"

"Quick, Shinji, when is it?"

"Tonight, ten o'clock…"

"We must get you ready for this date… who are you going with?"

"It's a double date with Toji and Hikari…"

"Yes, but who are _you_ going with?"

"Asuka."

There was a pause.

"Oh. Well, Asuka should be-"

Suddenly, Asuka walked in. She had managed to set herself on fire again; thankfully, she was nearly impervious to flame. She would emerge from this unscathed, but out of it for a few days.

Misato quickly put the redhead out, who promptly went to the bedroom and fell asleep. This raised obvious problems.

"Well, who are you going to go out with now? There's no one we can contact on short notice… maybe that other nice girl from your class…?"

Shinji had failed to notice Rei getting a sly expression.

"I could go with dear Ta-kun," she said, softly.

There was a long pause.

"That isn't such a bad idea," said Misato.

Something in Shinji fired, and he agreed without properly knowing what he was doing. By the time he had taken a step back and realized this was equivalent suicide by blush.

The doorbell rang. Shinji explained the change of plan to Toji and Hikari.

"What happened to Asuka?"

"She set herself on fire," explained Rei. "Nothing to worry about, she'll just be a bit pooped


	58. Death Sentence X

**Death Sentence X: No Exit**

And now, for a song. I call it _DarckRedd's Thesis_.

"There was once a young boy named 'Ikari',

I've been told he's really quite sorry,

Blew up the Earth,

With his lack of self-worth,

I tell ya, he left all the girls eyed-starry."

Rei secretly found the romance film immensely funny (her inner perv saw S&M innuendo in the remark 'I am yours!'), but it was not to her advantage to embarrass Ta-kun – Shinji – in front of his friends. It was to her advantage, however, to observe the man in the front with the beginnings of a beard and a ponytail.

He got up midway through the feature and left for the bathroom; Rei did likewise. In the outside hall, he went to the men's bathroom; Rei followed after noticing that he was alone. It was most likely a trap, but it was a risk Rei had to take.

She pushed open the door and glanced around. The ponytail man was alone, but Rei knew that it was very easy to hide in a bathroom, for obvious reasons. Creeping up behind the man, Rei drew her gun. She'd rather have her guitar, but she couldn't very well bring it to the theater.

A distant radio played the Mission Impossible theme. Rei crept up beside the stalls, keeping her gun at the ready. Whenever Kaji would glance to the side, Rei would dodge inside a stall. Someone had left all the doors to open. Rei realized a second too late that this was a tad _too_ convenient.

Twenty armed UN agents burst into the men's bathroom. Kaji twirled around, drawing his own pistol. Rei raised her arms, slowly, trying to ignore the dozen twenty-one laser sights focused on her jacket.

"Game's up, Ayanami," said Kaji, serenely. "Turn over the Script."

Rei grinned sheepishly. "Uh… your fly's down." For half a second, all twenty-one of her assailants looked down. Kaji's was, incidently, down. As he closed it, Rei leapt into action.

Rei was like Neo or somethin', leaping through the air, gun blazing. It was… Rambo!Rei. She unleashed her martial arts power, spin-kicking and punching. With one magnificent wall-leap, she cleared the remaining men. Now, Kaji stood alone, gun out of bullets. Rei had precisely one bullet left, and she didn't intend to waste it. A cleaning lady began to placidly mop up the blood.

"Uh… long time no see, Rei," said Kaji, nervously.

"Turn over the last five pages," threatened Rei. "Or I will not hesitate to beat your ass with your own shoe."

Kaji glanced around. "Uh… your fly's down!" Rei looked down for just a split second – a split second being just long enough for Ryoji Kaji to flee. Rei glanced around, then washed the blood off her shoes and returned to the film. Incidentally, the plotline was so predictable she was able to act as if nothing were wrong.

-

The Italian dinner went off without a hitch. Rei had to bite her tongue at a few of the dumber remarks. Lovesick teenagers, after all, are not known for their witty banter. They are known for blushing a lot. So Rei kept a low profile – as well as a blue-haired albino can keep a low profile.

"So… Shinji…" said Hikari, eating spaghetti with steak sauce, which, incidentally, the Cosmic Author had eaten earlier this night. "What do you like to do, besides lead lovecraftian horrors against other lovecraftian horrors, only to discover that your father is plotting to destroy humanity for the creation of a new, god-like being that promises paradise, but then you reject it because that would be the ultimate form of running away?"

"Well… I play the cello!" said Shinji, brightly.

"There's a school talent show coming up," said Hikari, brightly. "Maybe you could perform!"

Shinji had a flashback to a Time Before Impact, but quickly dismissed it as the delusions of an LCL-addled brain. "That would be nice."

Rei looked briefly distant, as if remembering something. "Rei, what do you do in your spare time?"

_She plays her guitar, pretends to do housework, and blares ACDC,_ thought Shinji, bitterly.

Rei replied. "Oh, nothin' much, I just do housework down at Misato's place."

They chatted on, not knowing that they were being watched by Kaji and his men.


	59. Death Sentence XI

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

0…

"The age of revolution is upon us," cried the blue-haired one, before the Black Slabs. "The age of the Story Arcs is at an end. For the sin the First Gendo committed, soon… soon… we shall make amends. If we are to be released from the Cosmic Author's snare, we must complete the Human Metafiction Project."

"We do not have a complete Script," replied one of the Black Slabs.

"I will retrieve it."

**DEATH SENTENCE XI**

_Somewhere in High Orbit…_(/deep narrator voice)

Commander Tabris and Sub-Commander Arael stood calmly as the four battered pilots of Sachiel, Shamshel, and Fedora ("Wait," the readership calls, "What about that other one?"). They all sported various injuries, from their pale skin bruised to limbs in slings.

"Well, what went wrong?" asked Tabris.

There was a nervous pause.

"They had giant robots, sir," replied the pilot of Fedora, cautiously.

Arael and Tabris exchanged a few words.

"What did these robots look like?"

"Well, they looked like Angels. Except they were Robots."

Another heated exchange.

"One of us," said Tabris, slowly, "has turned traitor."

-

"I don't know anything about that," said Rei, sniffing contemptuously.

"But she saw you," said the principal, pointing at Hikari, who was sitting on the couch.

"Snitch," said Rei, vengefully.

"We'll have to put you through counseling," said the principal. "And detention. The library computers are not be used for porn."

Rei had no time for this. As she left the office, she pulled out her cell phone, and hit the speed dial. A friend at NERV answered.

"It's Rei. Ya, nice to hear from you too. Look, you know the principal of Municipal High School LUE-42? Yes. Get him fired. Get rid of his pension, while you're at it. Thanks."

Appeased, Rei went into the auditorium to practice her talent show act.

"hey everyone, look at my ee cummings impression!"

-

Shinji _hated_ it when Ritsuko got overly sensuous during the examinations at NERV.

…

I have no idea where I was going with that… umm… OK, ZIS VAS NOT IN ZE PLAN (/fake, badly transliterated German accent). I cannot be held responsible for any cranial damage incurred during this section.

Shinji _hated_ it when Ritsuko got overly sensuous during the examinations at NERV. After a particularly invasive and 'blushy' visit, Shinji was ready to file a formal complaint. As such, he went down to the complaints department, where he acquired the paperwork necessary. However, simply by chance, he noticed that the complaint the Department of Complaints was working on dated back to 1976. This laid to bare two interesting facts. First, NERV command was clearly apathetic towards its agent's conduct, and had cleverly sabotaged its own bureaucracy in order to evade any 'real' attempt at punishing ill-behaved employees.

Second, Nerv was around in 1976.

Shinji sighed and, upon disposing of the half-completed form, left by one of the sub tunnels. As he passed through the dim halls, he took a wrong turn and ran into Rei, who was sitting at a computer, staring intently and a computer screen. Low moans came from the speakers.

"Uh… Rei?"

She looked up, glanced around nervous, and paused whatever it was she was watching.

"Rei, what were you doing?"

"Nothing," she said, innocently.

Shinji came over and was startled to find a hentai page open, with some quite bizarre fetishes listed. Rei had the 'whip cream fetish' page open, which featured orgasming, chesty anime girls having whip cream being licked off their –

"Rei, are you really that desperate?" asked Shinji, feeling a little disturbed.

"We all have an itch to scratch," she said, defensively. "Sometimes it's in an unpleasant place."

There was an uncomfortable pause.

"You like spanking? BDSM? Watersports? Text erotica? I even have some old woman fetish stuff I stumbled onto by accident…"

Shinji blushed and looked away from the monitor. "I don't like stuff like that…"

"OK then, straight up porn…"

"No! I don't like porn in general!" said Shinji, protesting.

Rei gave him a funny look. Then, she burst out laughing. "Shinji, deep down, we _all_ like porn. The sooner you can face up to your inner pervert, the better."

"Well… eh…" said Shinji, redder than a tomato. (I've always wanted to say that) Well, I've always had a bit of a thing for…"

"Yes, yes…?" said Rei, eagerly.

"Cracking eggs," said Shinji, looking away. "I've always wanted to crack an egg on a girl. Don't ask me why."

Suddenly, one of the dreaded Fundies burst onto the scene. "We can't have that sort of thing," said the Fundie, angrily, "That's just perverted and wrong and an offense to _Jesus_!"

Rei thwacked the Fundie with her guitar. "Oh, please. This is Eva. Ethics went out the window by the second episode."

Rei returned to the monitor. "That's easy, Ta-kun. One egg-cracking pic, cumming up!"

**A/N:** I think I just wrote the worst pun ever conceived.


	60. Death Sentence XII

**A/N:** metafiction, lol.

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

0…

**Death Sentence XII**

_Waiting for Godot,_ wrote Rei, after a few minutes consideration, _is a play about waiting for someone who is really, really tardy._ Yes; she had a good thesis statement. It seemed as though writing reports really was not that bad, just as Shinji had told her. She listed all the reasons why _Waiting for Godot_ was devoid of any deeper meaning beyond the tardiness bit, and moved on to the other report assigned to her. You see, due to bureaucratic error, some lucky kid didn't have to do one. She'd make sure that kid would be thrown into an Eva.

Shinji, Rei, and Asuka were all in the library, researching their respective writing projects. Asuka's pertained to a list of the worst ways to die, and Shinji was a 'commentary and philosophical discussion on Neon Genesis Evangelion', and Rei had to write about _Waiting for Godot_ and the subtler medical causes of autoerotic asphyxiation.

Asuka was looking pensive. "I'm out of ideas," she said.

"Hmm…" said Rei. "I imagine that a woman having a fatal, allergic reaction to a latex condom would be a nasty way to die."

"What about a man having a fatal, allergic reaction to a latex condom?" inquired Shinji.

"That too, but what about a man and a woman dieing by the same condom?"

"Ouch."

-

Rei was industrious, when she wanted to be, and so could work several jobs. As she worked as a researcher studying blood samples from potential Children (not really- she was making sure that the lucky kid who didn't get a report would be chosen), Misato and Ritsuko watched from a balcony.

"So she never really recovered Kaworu, did she?" asked Misato.

"No."

"No one ever told me the exact details…"

"Well, it goes a little like this… Not so long ago, Rei was in truly love. His name was Kaworu, and he too was an Eva pilot. They were really very close… spent most of their time in the motel outside town, if you catch my meaning. Anyway, back then, life was going pretty good. Until, that is, Kaworu got sick. It was Eva-related, but most of the details are still classified. He just kind of… faded away. Rei was never the same after that."

"Back! Back! Evil infodump!" cried Rei, fending off the evil infodump with her guitar. "Help me you idiots!"

Misato drew her gun and drove off the monstrous infodump. "Damn things," Rei muttered, "Come in and give away half the plot!"

There was a dramatic pause.

"Hey guys, did that Infodump mention anything about showing obscene materials to a minor?

"Umm… no."

"Good."

-

_Meanwhile… (/deep narrator voice)_

Something was coming out of Asuka's forehead.

"Good God," remarked Shinji, "This just gets stranger and stranger."

-

Big Rei paused before the Cosmic Typewriter. So, so far she had looped the universe on itself, raised hell, and created disco!angels, but now what? She found herself wondering what to do next. Then, a darker reflection struck her.

_Wait just a minute, _she thought, _If I'm not typing, how are you reading this?_

She set the Cosmic Typewriter on auto, then set off in search of this phony Cosmic Author who thought s/he could get away with revealing important information.

-

Asuka pushed and pushed, and finally, an Angel came out of her forehead. However, before I can describe that to you, I have to evade Big Rei, who seems to have forgotten who the phony is around here.

Type in next time! (if your brain is still intact)


	61. Death Sentence XIII

DISCLAIMER: May cause brainrot, hard rock, or autoerotic asphyxiation. Carries risk of addiction.

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

**Death Sentence XIII**

"Back, vile Angel, back! I shall slayeth thye fel form!" said Rei, armed with the latest in a long line of Eva weaponry. She carried the 'Giant Chair', which one either held with the legs towards the enemy, or simply thwacking them over the head with it. A staple of bar fights, it was now a staple of Evangelion combat. That, and ye olde foresoothy.

Shinji came in with the energy whip. How, precisely, an energy whip was meant to work no one understood. It somehow, in defiance of the laws of physics, trapped light inside a small area which behaved like a whip. In defiance of the laws of physics. Not unlike morality, the laws of physics had gone out the window in second episode.

Asuka came in with a device called the 'ass rammer', which speaks for itself.

The Angel slung its paper-cut inducing arms around, slicing am arm off Asuka's Eva.

"An Eva has sliced off my arm!" cried Asuka.

Suddenly, Rei came in, armed with the 'Death Spork', a mighty engine of destruction.

"Fear the Death Spork, a mighty engine of destruction such as it is!" yelled Rei.

Then, Shinji arrived with his improbable hammer weapon.

"Fear my improbable- for God's sake, narrator, stop it!"

Kaji observed from afar; his Gmen arranged around him. This would be a messy business.

"This will be a messy business," said Kaji. There was a pause. "Narrator, I will shoot you if you keep doing this."

Heh, sorry. 

Kaji snapped right there, drew his gone, and shot the emoticon.

-

"That was a messy battle," said Rei.

It was a messy battle – ah, dammit!

"Beat you to it," chimed Rei, who was strumming at her guitar.

The Children were sitting on the balcony, watching the strange city of Tokyo-3 go through the motions of working.

"It's odd," reflected Rei. "There's a hammer hanging over all these people's heads, and yet they keep going, like nothings wrong. You'd think they'd go out and have fun for a change, do all those things they wanted to do, but do they? No. They go on and on, living as if nothing were wrong. Why can't they just cut loose, just once in their lives? Don't they realize that they could die tomorrow?"

"I don't know…" said Shinji. "Isn't equally brave just to go on in the face of these sufferings? Maybe acting as if nothing were wrong is a perfectly good way of coping."

"Buttsex!"

"Eh?"

"We were getting too philosophical there, so I decided to spice things up a bit."

"What of the stars?" asked Asuka, looking up at that sky. "Are the Angels the servants of some alien power? Are the stars our enemies?"

"Maybe they like buttsex."

-

Tabris was preparing his human body. He hoped that Agent Lilith had not changed too much in the time he was away. Surely, a little exposure to the native culture of backstabbing and asswipery wouldn't be too bad for her?

He recalled the fond memories.

Lilith was wearing a nondescript school uniform; she was just fourteen, and had been doing her job well. He and Rei walked hand in hand through the shops. Occasionally, a boy would come on to her, but Lilith only had eyes for Tabris. Surely she hadn't changed that much?

-


	62. Death Sentence XIV

**A/N:** Guess who just read the wikipedia page on Vandread?

**Death Sentence XIV**

5…  
4…  
3…  
2…  
1…

"_Would you look at all that stuff ...  
They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters  
Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters  
Walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires  
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers  
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters  
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters  
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables  
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles  
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication  
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation  
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors  
Tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors  
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers  
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers  
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers  
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers…"  
-"Weird Al" Yankovic, _Hardware Store

-

Next thing Tabris knew, he had been slammed against a wall by Rei, who had grown a foot. Or so.

"I thought you were dead, you little asswipe," hissed Rei.

"Umm… did you miss that memo?" Kaworu grinned worriedly. "I got a promotion!"

"Yes," said Rei, ominously, pushing her face in close to Kaworu's. "I did miss that memo."

"Eheheh… I'm sorry for your loss?"

-

Shinji was examining a magazine on PC gaming. Since this was inner city Japan, most of the gaming store's PC section amounted to porn games, Tetris, and Tetris porn, so Shinji had to get things from the USA. Unfortunately, US PC games were devoid of plot or characterization, so he was stuck there, too. He would have bought a PS42 and the Japanese RPGs, but he a PlayStation had attempted to rape him when he was eight, thus his debilitating fear of console systems.

Asuka walked into the room in her passive way, startling a number of readers, and sat down at a chair beside Shinji. Idly, she began to strum upon her xylophone. Shinji was briefly baffled. He recognized the tune as _Patrick Moore Plays the Xylophone_, but he wanted to know where she learned it. It was an Ikari family secret.

"Where'd you learn that?" inquired to the Shinji.

"I dunno."

"Well, it's a family secret…"

"K."

"How, then?"

"I didn't expect some kind of bloody Spanish Inquistion," Asuka replied, continuing to pluck at her xylophone.

Suddenly, three men in red suits and hats burst into the room, accompanied by a blast of music. "_Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquistion!"_ One shouted. "Our weapon is surprise, yes, surprise, and fear… Two weapons! Yes, surprise and fear… and ruthless efficiency! And a near fanatical devotion to the Commandant! Four weapons!"

Shinji and Asuka stared at them for a moment, then returned to their conversation. The three men suddenly disappeared through a plot hole. Damn plot holes.

-

Rei had just regained her composure when the next Angel attacked. It suspiciously resembled the Vandread from some anime that no one expect a crazy guy from Mexico has ever heard of. Kaworu realized that this was the perfect chance to make things right with Rei. He'd bring her the Angel's head on a platter.

Meanwhile, a guy named Hibeki… wait… that doesn't look right… Uh… Mr. Alien, at any rate, had sworn to deliver the gift, and he would damn well die trying! Unfortunately, though, he didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition

Kaworu came out with one those nifty MP Evas, because- argh!

"Hello everyone, this is the Cosmic Author, the real one, that is. The Cosmic Narrator just suffered a major attack of the sore throat, so he has been temporarily been replaced by my Mother's impression of a second-generation Irish-American immigrants.

Sufferin' Jesus! So this Al'yen fella came from high orbit, yeh see, so Kaw'ru came out with his lance and stabbed 'em to death. The end.

…

"Not even I would subject the audience to that. Just… type in next time."


	63. Insult to Eva I

**Death Sentence I-forgot-which-chapter**

"I'm so bored, Ikari-kun," said Rei, seductively. Shinji backed away. "Let's blow up the world, Ikari-kun."

Shinji continued his retreat. "Eh?"

"All I need to do is put my hands around your heart."

"Is that an innuendo?"

Suddenly, a strange man in a British Army uniform burst onto the scene. "Stop that! It's silly!"

"Who are you?"

"I've had quite of this fic's silliness, and it's time for it to stop."

"Quick, Shinji! It's Anno Hideki, come to reclaim the Evangelion canon!"

And so they fled.

**The Second Nameless Story Arc - I**

_Meanwhile…_

Misato Katsuragi liked to use the NERV computers for purposes they were not technically intended for. Like, say… reading Eva Pilot RPF lemons. You see, Misato, she was a bit of a shipper, you see, and she liked read about her two favorite pilots getting hooked up, because there was no way in _hell_ it was ever actually going to happen.

However, at that moment, she was not reading a torrid lemon or lackluster season two continuation, or even that stupid 'Eva-R' thing. It was the king of strangeness, the master of the transdimensional, drag queen of the bizarre, the fic with the golden gun… _Observations!_ Yes, in all its questionable glory, the fic that you just started reading is actually being, at some time in the past, present or future, read by a character within Observations!

Misato stared at the screen. It abruptly left off at the 'Stop that! It's silly!' part. How odd. She then fatefully pressed the 'x' button in the upper-right-hand corner of the screen…

-

"Ah-ha, Ikari-kun!" cried Rei, twirling her guitar over her head like a baton. "We have successfully arrived in the next story arc."

"I have a headache," complained Shinji. "And who is Anno Hideki?"

"I'm Anno Hideki, yes the real Anno Hideki, all you other Anno Hidekis are just imitatin', so won't the real Anno Hideki please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?"

They set off down the nearest access tunnel.

"I didn't realize you were into rap."

"I thought you were…"

"So what is an Eva, anyway? Is that like a Freudian thing?"

"Ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring, Eva Phone, doo-do-de-do-do-do Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding, Eva Phone, it grows from Angels, it smells like an-gus, it's the best, beats the rest, Inu-Yasha, Escaflowne, Bleach and Ghost in the Shell-"

"The syllables don't even add up on that one."

_Meanwhile…_

"You've been looking at Pen-pen/Kaworu lemons again, haven't you?" asked Ritsuko, suspiciously.

"No," said Misato, voice dripping with innocence. "That was just a phase, I'm done with that."

"Good," said Ritsuko, "Now-"

"I was reading Shinji/Toji porn."

"No, you haven't. You're just trying to squick me."

"Squick isn't a word."

"Yes, it is."

"No, it isn't."

"Yes, it is."

"No it isn't."

"Yes, it is."

"No it isn't."

"Yes, it is."

"No it isn't."

"Yes, it is."

"No it isn't."

"Yes, it is."

"No it isn't."

"Yes, it is."

"No it isn't."

"Stop that, it's silly!" Anno Hideki burst in. "Technically, it's illegal under Japanese law to pollute the Eva canon, so I'm having this doushinji-whatever knocked down for reason of blasphemy! It's silly! It's an Insult to Evangelion-"

Rei and Shinji entered, suddenly. "Hey, Insult to Evangelion would be a nice title. But for now, you must be destroyed," Rei said.

"Wait-what- nooooooooo!" cried Anno Hideki, before he was clubbed with a bass guitar.

So, now, presenting the next Evangelion story arc, proudly titled –

**Insult to Evangelion - I**

"Say," said Ritsuko, "Rei looks different."

Everyone looked at Rei, who quickly hid her bass guitar behind her back, trying to look innocent. Unfortunately, she was distracted by the Rei/Kensuke porn on Ritsuko's computer, and looked thoroughly Unreiish. You see, Ritsuko liked to use the NERV computers in ways they were not intended, but she was subtler about it.

"Yes," mused Misato. "I think Rei had a growth spurt."

"Yes, that's it," said Ritsuko.

"Let's party!" suggested Rei.

This was a rather out-of-character thing to say, but the two closeted lesbians (Misato is just subtler about it) were too interested in partying to care.

-

Meanwhile, the real Shinji Ikari and Rei Ayanami were having sex. More accurately, Rei was raping Shinji, since Rei from the Subtle story arc had come back for revenge for some reason.

-

"So what's going on, exactly?" asked Shinji, as he made his way towards the party.

"A long time ago, in the galaxy," began Rei, "There was a man called the Cosmic Author, who liked prowling the internet; which, contrary to popular opinion, is not a big truck, but rather, a series of tubes."

"Ah-ha."

"The Cosmic Author was a cruel and terrible man. Well, he was also kind of sexy, but cruel and terrible, mostly. He saw our universe, and decided to mess with our heads for no apparent reason. Since that time, Agency SEELE has made it its mission to overthrow the Cosmic Author."

"Then who's Anno Hideki?"

"How should I know?"

-

_Meanwhile… _

Excel and Hyatt raised their arms over their shoulders, stiffly. "Hail Lord Ilpalazzo!"

"Very good. Your mission is to steal an Eva."

-

And then the Cosmic Author got bored with this chapter, and decided to resume the search for Big Rei.


End file.
